A wise Jedi once said, “Fear leads to Anger, Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to Suffering.” Fear causes all kinds of dilemmas and as LGBTQ people; it is an emotion that we learn at a very early age. Being found out for who we are causes an intense amount of fear and we typically push that down deep inside to hide it so we aren’t seen as any more weak than people already perceive us.  This suppression leads to internalizing our fear and hatred of being judge and oftentimes ends up manifesting in our relationships as adults. How can we change that from happening?

This fear leads to hiding ourselves from fear of reprisal. Afraid of being judged, loss of the love from our loved ones, and loss of family. We create a protective bubble around us to shield us from being judged or seen for who we are. This can lead to trauma to ourselves both spiritually and mentally. This disconnect carries on into our lives and who we interact with. We tell ourselves that this learned response is a means to get past the “this is just a phase” of who we are inside. This is especially true in the older generation and the lives they lived.

In gay men, this often led to getting married and having a family, simply to hide the fact that we may have had feeling for other men. Any furtive encounters we may have had, we would never mention the words of love or talk of feelings. It was a quick convenience of physical pleasure to hold us until we could get back to our “real lives.” If we actually were in a position to start a relationship with a man, often times we would still not discuss love or our futures together. It is hard coming out to those in your life, which is why so many do not come out. Only being open about who they are when they are around other LGBTQ people.

Saying things like “I don’t need to wear rainbows and dance on Pride Parade floats to be gay.” “Just because I am gay doesn’t mean I am some raving, screaming Queen.” These kind of statements come from the internalized fear we all adopt for not being able to be our authentic selves. We adopt the negative stigmas and stereotypes that others judge us by as a means to judge our own selves by. Thereby perpetuating self-hatred and misery.

Now before you take this the wrong way, let me clarify. No you should not judged by just by your sexuality, it is a very essential part of who you are, but it is not the only part. But you must accept who you are at the very core. This goes for gender identity as well as sexuality. Accepting yourself is always the first step; you cannot expect others to do so if you do not. You have to stop lying to yourself and others if you ever hope to be your true authentic self.

Scott Tsui, author of the article Authenticity: How To Be Real has a starting list of 5 Ways of Being Authentic With Yourself:

1. Accept your true self and treat others with respect.
2. Remain consistent with your core values. Match words with your behavior
3. Embrace your true identity: accept who you are and be proud. Internalized homophobia and saying, “I’m gay,” can be difficult. Acknowledge it, find a way to heal and enable yourself to move forward.
4. Because of the stress and internal battles, addictions and compulsiveness may result. Take courage and admit you need help.
5. Be honest about your HIV status.

Give up on the negative connotations that surround your sexuality. Focus on who you want to be and what you want out of life. I get it, there are a lot of stressors in the real world, familial obligations, living up to standards set on you by the media, your own feelings of self-doubt, and imperfections. But you deserve to feel pride and fulfillment in yourself, Work to give up those things, as they do not pertain to you. We aren’t perfect and we need to understand there is no other option than to live as who we are meant to be. I am not trying to sound preachy here, but life is worth more than constantly not being happy and lying to ourselves.

Scott Tsui also mentions some traps of not being authentic with others:

1. Recognize story telling. Whether it’s an outright lie or exaggeration, pretending or falsifying creates living a lie and distortion of reality.
2. There may be an incapacity to express inner emotions due to traumatic past experiences. This could be based around a lack of trust and/or an inability to verbalize true feelings, which can evolve into frustration or retreating within one’s self.
3. Another trap is the inability to build intimacy, such as having fear of being seen as imperfect or getting emotionally hurt.

There are plenty of thoughtless people out there who simply lie to get what they want out of you and life. Those are the ones we need to be aware of and if in a relationship with, get out of. It is sad that lack of courage, support, and confidence can lead us to using lies as a shield of protection. We see it as a strength to deflect the blows from a cruel world without realizing it becomes a crutch for us to get by on. Unfortunately, this usually ends up with being caught in a web of lies and ones that we often cannot see the truth through. From here it leads to more loneliness and anger.

Our own personal suffering always starts from fear. Fear of being who we are leads us to hiding our true selves away. This fear leads to anger for being different which leads to hating that we are different and wanting to change. That hatred leads to our own suffering and the suffering we cause others by the lies we have told. There are not quick roads to acceptance, it’s a long process of tearing down the webs we have spun and can be a struggle to change all that has transpired from the fear we first felt. But all journeys start with one small step. Isn’t it time that you take it?