Over the last couple weeks, I have talked about various styles of kink and how it relates to people. Degrees of it vary as much as does people themselves. It can range from being an integral part of your daily life or used to just heighten an experience. Some are more suited to solo play, whereas others are imperative that you have someone else along for the ride. Kink is about the person more than the act, to see how it relates to people I have asked questions of one couple that is in the kink lifestyle and two single people. They will discuss their limits and may even share what gets them going. This will be done in a judgement free zone and only related to you how it was given to me, with a few minor changes for ease of reading. All names have been changed for privacy reasons.
For the last interview, I would like to introduce you to Trace and Taylor. Trace is 47, Taylor is 28 and both are gay cis males from the eastern side of Cleveland. They have known each other for seven years and were married in December of 2018. Their styles of kink fall towards impact play and BDSM. Trust is paramount in their relationship, knowing when to submit and when to put a limit on the play is an integral part in their sessions. Trace and Taylor would both be considered a bear and cub, though for their own reasons do not hang out with many in the Bear Community.
When did you first know you were into your preferences?
Taylor – I think I knew from a pretty young age that I was into some “weird” stuff. I’ve never been afraid to try anything once, which has really helped to foster my own experiences.
What does kink mean to you?
Trace – Kink to me, means something other than ordinary vanilla or missionary type sex. Kink requires more thought or effort. Meaning, if my kink is bondage, there is more energy involved than just missionary sex. There is planning, gadgets and in many cases, manipulation.
Taylor – To me, kink is freedom. It’s being able to let your true desires be known without fear of judgement.
Do many people know about your kink side?
Taylor – Most people do. I’ve always been an open book and I’m not afraid to let my freak flag fly. I hope that by talking about kink, more people will grow comfortable with the idea themselves.
Have you ever been a switch or the opposite of your current role?
Trace – I have never switched, but I am versatile, sexually, with Taylor. I don’t consider him fucking me as being submissive. I love pleasing my husband and sometimes he just needs to be the ‘top’.
Taylor – I have before and I’m sure I will again! It gets old always being the one who gets whipped, sometimes you have to do the whipping!
What types of kink do you engage in?
Trace – Some of my kinks are bondage, piss play, age play, mutual masturbation or watching others masturbate, writing/reading age play erotica, objectification, 100% control over a true submissive… those are just some.
Taylor – A lot! I’ve dabbled in many, many things over the years, but BDSM has always been my favorite. Coming out young has offered an opportunity to experiment with things most might call bizarre.
What are some common misconceptions you have received or heard about kink lifestyle?
Trace – I’ve known several in the dom role, who never can just be ‘normal’. I believe there is a time and place and the ones I’m thinking of were comical. They would scoff at me for calling them by their name or not address them as Sir. It usually ended up with me calling them boy or pet, and they would walk away. Being a Dom is about trust and respect, which just isn’t given, it is earned. You see Taylor wear a chain with a lock, often. I bought it for him because we liked it. Others think it has a different meaning and has caused issues in the past at a few local gay bars.
Taylor – Most people seem to feel that those who embrace kink are “freaks” or “perverts”. The taboo that follows the lifestyle is extremely toxic and dissuades many from being able to embrace themselves.
Do you identify as a dom or a sub? If neither, what is your word choice?
Trace – I’m more of a Dom… not big on the word Master. Just because I’m more dominant doesn’t mean I’m always dominant.
Taylor – I predominantly identify as a sub, but I’ve also played the dominant role. It’s all about the chemistry and trust.
If you identify as dom/sub when did you discover your role?
Taylor – With me, it happened at avery young age. I grew up attracted to the stereotypical masculine man (hairy, bearded and muscled). And with that came wanting to be dominated and told what to do by a strong male figure.
If you are a sub, how did you discover your pain threshold?
Taylor – I’ve always been into pain, so finding the threshold is all part of the fun. And some nights, the pain is all part of the pleasure.
Do you have limits in the type of kink you would engage in? Why?
Trace – I’m not into blood, scat or vomit play.
Taylor – The list of things I wouldn’t try is very short and consists of things that are actual health concerns. No needles, no blood and no shit. I have a fun story about drinking piss from a martini glass, but this doesn’t feel like the right forum.
Do you engage in group sex or multiple partners? If so, do your kink preferences come up?
Taylor – I have in the past, but it has been a long time. Kink has never come up in group scenarios, but in the right setting I’d be more than willing to participate
Do you use safe words? If so,what and are there more than one?
Trace – I’ve played a Dom role with a few in my past without first discussing safe words. It didn’t end well and I was quite worried the police were going to come knocking. So, safe words are mandatory for us. Ours is pineapple!
Taylor – Pineapple seems to be the default setting for safe words. You need a good word that is never going to come up during play and I’ve never made a fruit salad mid-coitus.
Has anyone ever went over your limits? If so, how did you regain control?
Taylor – My limits have only been crossed a few times, and fortunately it has always been with men I trust. Regaining control is as easy as telling someone they went too far.
Do you think your you kink lifestyle will lose its appeal later in life?
Taylor – I think it will only grow and flourish to something even greater than it is now. Sex is a journey, you have to appreciate every step along the way.
The trust between these two is evident in their lives, the way they move in sync and interact with each other. In moments of separation, Taylor’s personality goes through a small shift, to use his words, “my rock isn’t with me.” Trace’s demeanor as Taylor is apart is more of protector, always wanting to ensure that he is safe. There are not many couples I have had the pleasure of meeting that seem to resonate the kind of strength and bond they exhibit. Both are open in discussing who they are and what they are into. But as Trace has said, trust is earned. So, while they may offer up parts of their lives, it is never the deeper meanings, the softer sides. Those are left for those closest to them, those who share the same respect and trust towards them. Trace always exerts the air of confidence and control, quick to neutralize negative situations and foster pleasant ones. Taylor is the lighter side, always quick to offer a joke to defuse tense situations and to make you feel more at ease.
Trace pointed out that while kink is a part of their relationship, it does not define it. Sexual roles can be swapped without changing the power dynamic and it often reinforces them. Taylor points out about the freedom he feels from expressing his kink side, it allows him to open himself up to his inner feelings. For him, it is the surrender to allow himself to feel outside of the normal box. This is the point of learning about yourself, while you may not be into kink, learning those inner corners of your psyche and sexual nature can be freeing. Again, it starts from the open-minded point of view and the ability to see beyond the limits that are often forced onto us. Finding someone that can offer you the trust to open up is hard but rewarding in the process of healing and growing. If nothing else, that is what we can take from this couple, trust is the foundation it is all built on.