No one ever said that relationships are easy, if they do they are probably doing them wrong or aren’t paying attention. Like most everything else in life, they require constant work to keep them functioning and on track. We grow up with the fairy tale mentality of how things “should be” instead of teaching us to work for what we want.
I was guilty of this, as well. Too long I thought that the reason I wasn’t succeeding in a relationship was because I hadn’t found the “right person.” What I didn’t realize is that I hadn’t found the right way of approaching a relationship. That is until my current one. But that is the result, let focus on Staying Connected With Your Partner.
Hormones vs. Reality
In the beginning, all relationships seem perfect. You meet someone, fall in love, and think they are perfect. You go out on dates, dress up for one another, and text cute things all the time. Everything just works.
Six months or a year into it and the honeymoon has worn off, as they say. Small things each of you do start to bug the other. The occasional fight breaks out. You get aggravated because they seem to leave the seat up on the toilet or some other small matter. You both get frustrated.
This is where it often just gets easier to say that there is something wrong with the relationship and that the other person isn’t your “Mr. Right.”
What if that is the wrong approach?
Fallacy of Mr. Right
Pause a moment and let’s look at a big problem.
From our childhood we are taught and exposed to the idea of a “right person.” That there is someone out there that is a perfect compliment for us. That when we meet them, everything falls into place. For the most part, it teaches us that we aren’t responsible for finding a person to be with, working on a relationship, and it’s all about fate lining up.
Let me put this right here. There is no perfect person, everyone has flaws and shortcomings. There is no perfect love because we are not perfect. We are full of imperfections, flaws, and quirks – those are the very things that make us who we are. If we arent perfect, how can we expect that of anyone else?
And to be more to the point, having someone who always knows what we want and does it before we even say anything can get pretty boring. There is no adaptability, no suspense, no surprises, and in short no life.
Okay, you are probably upset at what I just said, but I stand by it.
Get yourself connected
Back to our regularly scheduled article…
Life gets in the way of everything, always. As you date someone, it is inevitable that the flirtiness you start with slowly fades, that doesn’t mean there is less love there.
We also start to see the flaws of the person we are with. They aren’t new, they only seem to be because we are starting to notice them now. For the most part, they don’t change who the person is. It is just another facet of them, just like your traits are now showing.
We also get lazy, we stop dressing up or we stop going out on dates because we figure why we’re dating them already. As that laziness sets in and the new car smell fades, we often resort to thinking about what we want or how we feel. There isn’t much thought for their feelings.
Both of you start to think the connection is fading and something is wrong. The only thing that is really wrong is that you shifted priorities back to yourself instead of you both. That can be fixed.
How do you keep that connection going?
5 Ways to stay connected with your partner
As that connection feels like it’s fading, we think that one of us or the relationship has lost its spark. It is easy enough to fix, with a little effort. None of these are rocket science or extreme, in fact you did them at the beginning. You just forgot the importance of them
There is a reason most relationships counselors suggest this, it worked. It works for my current relationship. One night each week is date night and we try to stick to it as much as we can. Pick that day and mark it on your calendars, we use one calendar for our relationship events. Pick a spot to go to, it doesnt have to be the same place every week nor does it have to be different. If you both love the first restaurant you went to on a date, then make that date night. Use the significance it holds to keep that spark
4.Dressing up for them
This one I am still guilty of.
You know you did this when you started dating. You wanted to make an impression, one that would leave the saying damn, long after you walked away.. At some point, though, you stopped. Maybe its because of complacency. You have been together this long, now that they are yours they can accept you for who you are.
While accepting you for who you are is part and parcel to a healthy relationship, think about how it feels when you see your man all dressed up in his finest. You probably, like I do, get that catch in your through making it hard to swallow. That is followed by “Damn, look at my man. He is all mine, everyone is jealous.” Don’t you think they like that feeling too?
3.I love it when we touch
There is a song by Kehlani called Touch that sums this up perfectly,
“There’s magic in your hands. Oh, you got me in a trance. Your love is like the wind, dancing across my skin…”
There are few emotions or sensations that can leave us gasping for breath like that of a touch. Standing in the kitchen in the morning when you partner grazes past you can send sparks of electricity cascading all over your and hitting all the right spots. Can make for a very intimate morning.
Simply holding hands for five minutes a day reinforces that connection of love through touch. Doctors tell mothers that physical touch with their baby is important for its proper development. It is also essential for the healthy development of a relationship.
2. It’s the little things that kill
There is something to be said for grand gestures, sure. And that thing is that they are usually done for the benefit of the person doing them and those that witness them being done, not for the person they are for. They often feel more like a “look at me, see I do care,” type of event than an actual expression of a feeling.
This can be seen in many places but one that comes to mind clearly is when someone’s partner may be sick and dying. If their relationship wasnt one of connection, arguments plagued them, and it just wasn’t happy, that can change for the other person when they see their partner dying. It is then that they go through the massive grand gestures to show that they do love them.
It could have been done easier and for the whole time with smaller gestures.
A genuine, warm smile to your lover goes a long way with your partner. A kiss before bed or when you wake up is a lot more reassuring than some big event that didnt seem to take a lot of thought. Those same grand gestures often slip from the mind quicker than knowing your partner is there to greet you when you walk in the door from work.
1. Don’t take them for granted
Repetition creates a belief that something will always be there. We take for granted how significant it is that someone is in our lives and makes us feel happy. This above all others, leads to forgetting to do the things listed above.
We assume the person knows we love them and we dont say it as much. We assume that just sitting beside them on the couch is the same as having our arm around them or holding their hand. Ordering take away seems the same as going out to dinner.
We are taking advantage of them and ourselves.
We are all people and we all need things from life and others. It’s not petty that you tell your boyfriend/girlfriend you love them, its reinforcing a bond. Taking them for granted could end up with you losing the thing you cherish. All over something you could have handled differently.
Keepin’ the connection alive
I already said it, life is messy and imperfect. We all have to roll with the flow and change as the new curve comes into view. Love is about finding the person who sees our flaws and shortcomings and loves us regardless. I get it, life gets crazy and we forget to do the things we should be doing. The point is we need to reshape how we view relationships and understand that it takes work on both sides. If both arent willing to work on the connection, then you can think of other options.
What about you? How do you keep connected with your significant other? If you arent in a relationship, what are things you want your perspective mate to do or what do you do to help keep the spark alive? Let me know in the comments below. Who knows, maybe you have the answer someone else is looking for.