Dirty Little Secret

 

There are few topics that can create such a polarizing display of emotions as politics and religion. However, there is one more topic as equally as polarizing but rarely gets the kind of public attention that it needs, SEX! Almost all of us got that lovely talk from our parents, how awkward it was and usually had the phrase, “Sex is a beautiful act between two people in love,” but when we asked for speciifcs or needed them, there was rarely a follow up. WIth the multiple sexual revolutions this country has, why are we still so far in the dark ages when it comes to having open dialogue about it? 

I found out about sex at a very young age, I know many people say that but it is true all the same. I remember being fascinated with mypenis, as are most males. I was probably somewhere between three or five years old when I found one of my father’s “nudie mags’ ‘ hidden under a cabinet. I remember it vividly. an issue of Club International. The cover featured John Holmes and Candy Samples and I remember being totally fascinated with it. I would sneak a peek at it any chance I could get. The magazine wasn’t the only porn I had found, either. As a kid, I was a snoop. My father had a 16mm projector, so I knew there must be some films around and sure enough, there was a 16mm reel of porn. I remember unraveling it and looking at it frame by frame. 

I was in middle school when the sex talk came and it was prompted by my mother finding a letter I wrote to someone. The letter was very graphic. She got my dad to have the talk with me and it was horrible. He kept referring to my penis as the thing between my legs and how I needed to learn to control it. The talk didnt dissuade my curiosity. I didnt have sex until college, but that didnt stop me from still looking at porn magazines. I had to navigate my own way in learning about sex. As such, it opened my mind up considerably.

Intimate

Most people aren’t so lucky. Most guys can remember a time when one of their parents may have walked in on them masturbating, caught them looking at porn, or even busted fooling around with someone. It can be horrifying. Parents often go so far as to shame their children for their curiosities. The way it’s handled with children can have far reaching damage. And when you factor in religious dogma to chastise you for your sexual thoughts, it’s no wonder so many become sexually repressed or develop intimacy issues. It also stands to reason why we become so judgemental of others who have different sexual tastes.

It’s not our parents fault, they are only repeating the same horrible talks they were given by their parents. Most of them dont understand that there is more than just one type of sex. We often turn to our peers for sexual information, who are no better off than we are. The lack of understanding is only perpetuated. Then we turn to porn for assistance or to make up for what we feel we are missing. This only further creates problems as it setups unrealistic ideals of what sex is like. We dont think about what all goes into shooting that sex scene and how the actors are cast for the role.  Porn can truly effect what we see as normal.

Okay, I know there are a few people out there that read there is more than one type of sex and was left wondering…WHAT??? We all assocaiate sex with some form of penile penetration. That is simply the mindset of a cis-gender male sociaety. So, lets give a short list of the types of sex

  • Vaginal sex (some phallus type object penetrating the vagina)
  • Anal sex (some phallus type object penetratign the anus)
  • Oral sex (mouth to genital contact)
  • Fingering/Hand jobs (hand to genital contact)
  • Frottage or dry humping or rubbing of genitals
  • Masturbation (touching yourself)

Each of these types are just as valid as the rest. The thought that sex being a form of penetration by a male or even vaginal penetration is just the default we are taught. It is a form of power play, the act of inserting a penis into someone is the act of asserting that power. The person being penetrated is perceived as the one being dominated. 

image issues

Sex is also rife with body image issues. We are forced to worry how our bodies appear to the one we are intimate with. Penis size becomes a focus, women worry about breast size or how their labia may appear to their partner. Our prowess and experience leaves us wondering how our partner views us. All of these things stem from childhood and how we were taught to perceive sex. We should be focused on our partners and ourselves, on making sure that we are connecting on an appropriate level. 

Many people spend years in therapy trying to undo what has been done. Trying to unlearn what they feel about sex, with themselves and others. That only gets us so far. We need partners that are actively engaging us and discussing what issues may arise. Reassuring us of the shared experience and being the support they need to try to change their mindset. 

 

Sex remains the dirty little secret, mainly because we still cannot openly talk about it in public or with others. We are afraid to express what we want or do not want. We often times let others control how we experience it. We should be appreciative of the different kinds of people we encounter and realize that their differences are not avenues for ridicule, but pathways to different forms of pleasure. Is seems appropriate to end with a quote for I Want Your Sex by George Micahel. “Sex is natural, sex is good. Not everybody has it, but everybody should.”

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