People always seemed shocked when they hear that I haven’t dated much, since moving to the Cleveland area. Really, I think that they are equating dating with having sex. At least it seems that is what they are thinking. Usually when they ask, and I say I haven’t met the right person yet, it is always followed by the ever-popular question, “don’t you get lonely?” Hell yes I get lonely. But that isn’t really the topic here, so let’s dive into the actual issue. Why do people seem to equate dating and sex as the same thing?

Dating, for me anyway, is a pretty simple idea. You meet someone and you go out, while you are on this outing you share information about one another. This information is used to create a frame of reference about the person you have met. You learn a little bit about their background, their likes and dislikes, why they may be single now, and what kind of person they may be looking for in someone else. It is a pretty simple formula. How the actual meeting takes place can vary from situation to situation. Its really a litmus test of sorts, designed to see how you two get along and what they may be like in a public situation. A means of seeing if there is compatibility. It could lead to sex, but it is not a must. Most of the time I am too nervous meeting someone new that the idea of sex is the last thing I am thinking about. Then again, I am usually the type that overthinks situations a little too much.

Now speaking from a gay male point of view, gay men have been known to have the stance that love shouldn’t be so conventional. Multiple partners and not really settling down has been the nom de plume in the earlier years. Maybe that is why many gay men think that dating is the same as having sex. As Miquel Brown said, “so many men, so little time.” Why be tied down when there is a veritable buffet of men in the world. Many didn’t even talk more than just exchanging a name they went by and off to the races. To be tied down was tantamount to a “straight” relationship and if they didn’t accept us, why should we accept the limitation of their relationship ideals.

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I have mentioned previously that I am a bit old fashioned, at times. One of them is when it comes to dating. Guys get a bit frustrated talking to me because I actually try to talk to them. Conversation is one of the biggest things that can turn me on and I like learning about someone. Too many times have I been fooled by the pretty package and quick wit and not learning more about a person. That is partly because I still cling to an old notion of actually meeting someone, I want to spend time with, not just a few hot and steamy minutes. It is actually nice having someone you can talk to about things and share feelings with. I want someone who can carry on a conversation about something more than the size of their dick and what position they prefer to screw in. I have that in several profiles and it never ceases to amaze me that they use that line when the contact me, but it is always followed by some lame, overly sexualized pickup line.

I am not a prude, that is for sure. I have the same thoughts as everyone else when I am meeting someone new. How are they going to look? Will they fill out a pair of Levi’s the way that would make a cowgirl swoon? How quick can I get them naked and will it be as good as I picture it? But I try to keep my other head in the game as well. Can we talk about our favorite movies or books? Do we have similar tastes in cuisine? You know the normal stuff. My phone is just as full of hookup apps as any other horny gay male. And yes, my lustful desires can often win out but so far, I have kept them in their cage. I want to meet people not just for conquests but also for a friendship base. For me, there is no use in fucking someone if you cannot stand to be around them. I mean when you finish the deed and you are laying there trying to catch your breath before dashing to the door, you need something more than a languish look around the room only to say, “nice drapes.”

I am not saying that a first date cannot or should not lead to a sexual situation, that my dear is strictly up to you to decide. And maybe there is something to be said for the old baths, walk in, get a key and a towel, drop your clothes off in a locker and browse until the compass points in the direction of your loins’ choosing. At forty-five, I just don’t think that is my scene. Most times I feel like that one old guy we all know from the bar that is hanging around until closing time just hoping someone may be horny enough to go home with us. I think I will pass on that image and go for the conversation upfront. See me at my best before you see me at the rest.

The point is, I haven’t dated much since I have been here and that does suck. When you want to meet someone with depth, but you always seem to get the cast offs from a bargain basement store, you really don’t want to settle. And yes, that leads to a barren salt flats of a sex life, but I would rather find someone I can talk to afterwards than just taking care of the deed because it and they have both popped up at the same time. I can do that at home, with good porn, and a hand and still look at myself in the morning with a bit of dignity.