I think many gay men learn very early in life that standing still is dangerous. When you grow up feeling different, watched, or judged, movement becomes survival. You keep moving socially, professionally, emotionally, sometimes physically, because stopping means giving the world a chance to look too closely. Over time, that movement becomes a habit. We work harder, party harder, chase relationships, chase experiences, and chase validation. What we rarely do is stop long enough to ask what we’re actually feeling, By the time midlife arrives, many of us realize we’ve spent decades running, and we’re not entirely sure what we were running from.
We learn that running becomes a coming mechanism. If we run, people wont focus on us, they wont be able to see what we may be “hiding” from them. But, as we arrive at midlife, we start to realize that strangely is failing us. We start to look around and wonder, “Why have I been running from this for so long?”
Join me as we take a look at Why Gay Men Are Taught to Outrun Their Feelings.
- The Early Lesson: Keep Moving
- The Party Years and the Culture of Escape
- When the Running Stop Working
- Learning to Sit With Yourself
The Early Lesson: Keep Moving
Growing up is hard for every person, each of us have to learn how to navigate the challenges that life throws out of us. It becomes extra tough for those of us growing up queer. Our views of what it means to be queer are limited by the world we are living in. While representation in the media has gotten better, it often only shows the major stereotypes of Queer people.
Many of us don’t have the luxury of fitting in with the crowds, so we end up being the focus of bullying and abuse. It becomes even worse when we start to develop feelings for people and realize that they aren’t returned. And that rejection can lead to more hostile situations. Ultimately, this leaves us keeping our feelings and who we really are from those around us. This only intensifies our feelings of loneliness.
As we get older, all of this emotional suppression “feels” normal. This can lead us to not being able to realistically being able to express our feelings with others when the situation warrants. We fall back to not trusting ourselves and others and, as such, we often are left feeling worse than when we began. Our only option is to run from it, thinking we can find safety somewhere else.
Over time, all of this adds us. We want to break free, be able to express who we are. For some, we turn to partying or sex to distract us. Thinking this can be a way for find the love we cant easily share with others. For others, we may focus on being successful and our ambitions, thinking this can compensate for what we have been missing.
The truth is that this is still just running from who we are and what we feel. We weren’t taught to process feelings, we were taught to outrun them.
The Party Years and the Culture of Escape
For many gay men, the first places we ever felt truly accepted were spaces built around movement: bars, clubs, parties, Pride events, crowded dance floors filled with people who looked like us and lived like us. For those who spent their younger years hiding or feeling like outsiders, those spaces could feel like oxygen after years of holding our breath. There was energy, community, laughter, and the intoxicating sense that we were finally allowed to exist without apology.
But these spaces also carry an unspoken rhythm: keep moving. There is always another party, another weekend, another connection, another distraction waiting just around the corner. The music is loud, the lights are bright, and the pace rarely slows down long enough for anyone to ask deeper questions. In those spaces, movement doesnt just happen, it’s expected. If something hurts, if something feels unresolved, there is always somewhere else to go or someone new to meet. After all, movement is easier than reflection.
None of this makes those years meaningless. For many of us, those environments were lifelines during a time when broader society offered little safety or understanding. But over time, constant motion can become its own form of avoidance. When the music fades and the night finally ends, what remains is the realization that movement is easier than reflection, and that some feelings have been patiently waiting for us to slow down long enough to hear them.
When the Running Stop Working
To be cliche, I knew I was different at an early age. And, like most of us, I wasnt sure why I was the way I was. I learned that my parents and the world expected me to be like everyone else. So, in my youth, when I fell in love with another boy, I was quickly told that this was not normal. Being told that my feelings weren’t right and I was supposed to be interested in something else made me feel bad about myself. Ultimately, I receded into my own mind, distanced myself, and tried to date girls, like “a good lil boy.”
I laid awake in bed, many times crying, asking to be more like what my parents wanted me to be. As I aged, my shame aged with me. I was reluctant for gym class because I was afraid that at some point, seeing some guy I liked would cause me to get an erection and I would be outed to all of my classmates. So, I buried those feelings as deeply as I could. I became angry and tried to hide my fear and shame. I wore clothing that I thought would give me the illusion that I was like everyone else. I made the same distasteful jokes and joined in making fun of others. All of this was to hide who I was.
Running from things takes on many forms, it can be as simple as denying your feelings and living a life of deception, to yourself and others. Or it can be constant moving to new places in hopes you can outrun the problems you expereinced in a particular area. Lord knows I tried both on multiple occasions.
Thankfully, I have been lucky enough to have two people, in my life, who have forced me to face the things I tried to hide. Around 1997, I met Shawn who would become my first real boyfriend. He opened up the whole world of LGBTQIA+. He showed me the beauty of being who you are and accepting it. That love between two men is just as beautiful as the love between a man and woman. But, it would take my current boyfriend, Karl, to force me to look deeper into myself and work on accepting who I am, not just what I am. When arguments arise, he refuses to let me get away with things. If I say something outlandish or wrong he calls me on it. He is the reason I am so focused on my health and why I started my mental health journey. They both accepted me for who I was and what I wasn’t allowing myself to be.
Running doesn’t eliminate the feelings we avoid; it only delays the moment we have to face them.
Learning to Sit With Yourself
Learning to sit with yourself is one of the most unfamiliar skills many of us encounter in midlife. For years, life may have been structured around movement, work, relationships, social circles, constant activity that kept us engaged with the world around us. Slowing down can feel unsettling at first, almost like standing in a quiet room after years of background noise. Thoughts appear that we once pushed aside, emotions surface that we didn’t have time to examine, and we realize how little practice we’ve had simply being present with ourselves.
But sitting with yourself isn’t about solving every feeling that arises. It’s about allowing those emotions to exist without immediately trying to outrun them or bury them under distraction. Over time, that quiet presence becomes its own kind of strength. You begin to notice patterns in your life, understand where certain fears or habits come from, and recognize that stillness isn’t the enemy we once believed it to be. In fact, it often becomes the place where clarity finally has room to speak.
The hardest race many of us will ever run is the one where we finally stop running. What about you, what feelings have you tried to outrun that always seem to catch up to you? What lesson allowed you to finally stop running? If you haven’t had to hide, what are the secrets that have allowed you to live openly and not being dragged down by all the negativity that surrounds us. Let me know in the comments below.
Thanks to each and everyone of you for being a part of GayintheCLE. Your support is amazing and keeps me going. I cannot thank each of you enough.
Gay in the CLE 