If there is one truth in life it is that it is ever changing. As humans, we either learn to adapt to the fact that it is ever changing or we become a victim to stagnation. It reminds me of a question I was asked by my CEO during a one-on-one. The question was fairly simple, do you prefer to grow vertically or horizontally? The question is really more of an assessment of how you perceive the world, do you grow with it or do you settle for what’s in front of you. Today, we are going to dive into this subject a little more, join me as we discuss The Myth of Graceful Aging and How to Live Boldly Instead.
The lie of dignified aging
You can’t seem to turn around without some advertising, magazine cover, talk show, or celebrity telling you the benefits of Growing Old Gracefully. People offer to teach you the dignity of growing older and how to accept this position of status and reverence (if you believe that). But whose definition is that and is it right for you or any of us?
Growing Old Gracefully is the mindset of conforming to the societal idea of what aging means. It implies you become a fount of knowledge from lived experience, that you should be more stoic and thoughtful, ready to dispense wisdom when someone needs a little help on their path. It implies that we should divest ourselves of youthful mindset to “act out age” instead.
It is a negative stereotype that is meant to pigeonhole us in a mindset that was created by someone else. When you think of older people, we often get this idea of the bumbling older white haired person who gets confused with technology and young people. We tell everyone that as we get older, we must lay aside those things that are youthful to opt for something that represents dignity. But what it means is they think we have lived beyond our usefulness and should be put out somewhere to fend for ourselves and not be a burden on the rest of the tribe. I actually think that is the real reason why Florida became a state.
A long time coming
I started this essay a year ago, at that time, our power had gone out and we reserved an AirBnB on the shore of Lake Erie in Ashtabula. At the time,I tabled it, but as I sit here a full year later it feels more relevant.
Aging can really bring your life into perspective. I used a quote, once, from a play/movie called All Over the Guy. The quote roughly goes, just because you make it to a certain age without getting killed, people think you learned some valuable lesson about life, the truth is you’re just lucky. Sitting here, looking out the window onto a beautiful view of Lake Erie from an airbnb we had to rent due to a power outage, I can fully say that I agree with this thought.
The truth is, I am feeling more like I know even less than I did 40 years ago. If 12 year old Keith, somehow, managed to end up standing in front of almost 52 year old Keith — what would they say?
Perfection in unexpected places
Growing up, I was told how important it was to have this plan for your life. You needed to know what you wanted to do with your life, what kind of job you wanted, think about getting married, having kids, and a whole host of other things. We are given to believe that if we have these things, then our life will be perfect. That implies that if we don’t have this plan, we will be miserable and amount to nothing in our lives.
After witnessing all of my years, I can honestly say that my life has not turned out the way I had planned. Or maybe, my vision was a tad flawed.
As a kid, I had many ideas of what I wanted to be when I grew up. I remember a time that I wanted to be an astronaut and then it was a doctor. By the time I would graduate high school, I wanted to be an environmentalist. All of which were things that I thought would be important work or make me happy. I saw myself driving a flying car and having an amazing house surrounded by the things that bring me joy. And I would have an amazing person in my life that was the perfect compliment to me.
Instead, what I got is a diagnosis of cirrhosis of the living and a preparation for death, as it were. I work for a non-profit that is fighting to bring the internet to populations of people that have gone underserved and ignored in the city in which they live. I drive a luxury German car. I have a house in a quiet neighborhood where I can write in my own study. And most importantly, I do have a perfect compliment to me, I have a man in my life that pushes me to see the world in a different way.
I guess you can say that perfection came in its own way.
A new lease on life
As I sit here, a few days after I turned 52, what I realize is that I am not ready to be that old man we have grown accustomed to seeing in literature, movies, and television. I may have a disease that, in all likelihood, will kill me before I die a natural death. But none of those things stop me from realizing just how blessed I have become when I decided to take my power back and not be this idealized version of “old.” My life is amazing and I have someone truly amazing to share it with. That makes me crave more and better. It makes me want to cast aside this over-caricaturized version of age and rage against it.
It has taken me all of these years to realize that being selfish about your life is not a bad thing, that taking time to enjoy every experience life can give you, and wallowing in the joy that is life is to be celebrated, not trivialized. On this birthday, I choose to be reborn and approach life with the same ferocity I should have shown in my youth. To be unapologetic about my happiness and who I spend it with and to simply take the chance when it is presented. Hell, you only get one go at this merry-go-round called life. When the music stops, there are no redos, you only have your dance card to show you how much fun you had. How do you choose to fill it?
Gay in the CLE 