I Said No Once—Now They Want to Take That Choice From Us All

Normally, sitting in my study on a Sunday morning,while my boyfriend is still asleep, brings me a bit of peace and comfort. It would normally allow me time to reflect and contemplate ideas to write about in my blog or go over submissions to post. It allows me time to work through what goes on in my head or even work on some of my other writing. It is one of the things I look forward to each week.

This week is different. Well, if we are being honest with one another, it has been different since around January 20th. The onslaught on America has been non-stop and the only way to end it is if we come to our senses and start taking ground back. But today, today hit me differently. I logged into my Mac and was greeted by two posts on Instagram about two states actively working to overturn LGBTQ+ marriage. We were told that it wouldnt be a target and we shouldnt worry because it was passed by the Supreme Court, so was Roe v Wade. Our reality has shifted and the person we elected to control this awesome nation isnt someone who wants to lead the world, he would rather watch it burn to the ground in some act of retribution for the world trying to punish the kind of criminal he actually is. 

Needless to say that this day has hit me different, this day brings memories long forgotten. But here they are and I wanted to share with you something titled, I Said No Once—Now They Want to Take That Choice From Us All.Normally, sitting in my study on a Sunday morning,while my boyfriend is still asleep, brings me a bit of peace and comfort. It would normally allow me time to reflect and contemplate ideas to write about in my blog or go over submissions to post. It allows me time to work through what goes on in my head or even work on some of my other writing. It is one of the things I look forward to each week.

This week is different. Well, if we are being honest with one another, it has been different since around January 20th. The onslaught on America has been non-stop and the only way to end it is if we come to our senses and start taking ground back. But today, today hit me differently. I logged into my Mac and was greeted by two posts on Instagram about two states actively working to overturn LGBTQ+ marriage. We were told that it wouldnt be a target and we shouldnt worry because it was passed by the Supreme Court, so was Roe v Wade. Our reality has shifted and the person we elected to control this awesome nation isnt someone who wants to lead the world, he would rather watch it burn to the ground in some act of retribution for the world trying to punish the kind of criminal he actually is. 

Needless to say that this day has hit me different, this day brings memories long forgotten. But here they are and I wanted to share with you something titled, I Said No Once—Now They Want to Take That Choice From Us All.

1. A dream dies
2. Why ‘Marriage’ was never outs to begin with
3. Unbalanced power
4. A promise denied, a right at risk

A dream dies

It was around 1997 when I met Shawn Moomau, I still remember the night vividly. I drove 45 minutes to a gay bar in Roanoke, Virginia. It was only the second or third time that I had gone and my first time alone. I had on a black spandex t-shirt that I loved and fit me very nicely and a pair of black pants. I was exercising my goth side. I dont know what I was expecting to happen or what I would do if it did. I stood next to what was called the “rack” watching the dance floor and trying not to look terrified. 

After an hour, one of the bar staff came over to me with a beer in hand and said it was from a secret admirer. Before taking the beer, I looked around nervously, trying to find any eyes on me that might give away who sent it over. I saw none. The bar person asked if I accepted the beer, I paused for what seemed an eternity but was about three good slow heart beats. I smiled, accepted the beer, and said to tell them thanks. Every so often, I would look around to see if someone was looking in my direction.  Thirty minutes later, that bar staff came back and asked if I wanted to meet them. Finally I was going to see the person that bought me a beer. I tried to speak but nerves only allowed a squeak to escape my throat. I cleared my throat and nervously said, “Yes.” They grabbed my hand and led me through the throngs of people to someone who was sitting on the steps of the riser at the back of the bar. He introduced himself, we talked for an hour at the bar before he asked me back to his place and the rest was history.

In 1999, we moved from Roanoke to just outside of the small town I grew up in to a place called Radford, Va. That spring, there was talk of states that were starting to recognize gay marriage. We talked about how exciting it could be to have the institution of marriage opened for everyone, equally. Shawn proposed to me on Valentine’s Day and had planned a trip to Hawaii to get married. Being the scared new little queer that I was, I said no. I thought we would have more time. We moved to North Carolina in the summer of that year and Shawn’s health would decline rapidly. In February of 2003, he passed away. Four years and two weeks after he had, previously, asked me to marry him. A year later and Massachuttes would be the first state to recognize gay marriage and eleven years later, it would become legal in the United States with the landmark ruling on Obergefell v. Hodges (June 26, 2015). Today, March 2, 2025, two states have petitioned to have that ruling overturned and taken from us.

This morning, I sit here realizing that I took away a dream from someone who wanted to spend the rest of their life with me and, today, our government is actively working to take away the dream of millions more people like Shawn Moomau. 

Why ‘Marriage’ was never outs to begin with

I dont believe in LGBTQ+ marriage, there I said it. I dont believe in the term, to be clear. The whole mindset that bothers people is that they proclaim that their one and only book of belief says that marriage is a union between a “man” and a “woman.” Funny thing is, that word didnt exist until around 1200 A.D. Sure the idea of unity was there prior to that, even more intriguing is that the concept of a union for reproductive purposes was recorded until approximately 300 B.C. Throughout history, there has been recorded information of same sex unions as far back as Mesopotamia. As with many things, religion is what started the change of creating a “Holy Union” for population growth. 

Okay, let me get back on topic. I don’t believe in LGBTQ+ marriage, mainly, I dont believe in marriage… period. I could speak to the concept of it, about how it was used for keeping land, wealth, and titles in a particular family  or that it was a means for the people in power to control others. But all of that is just fluff for the ideal. I am not against the LGBTQ+ community having the ability to do what heterosexual couples are doing, equally. I am not against them having a union that speaks to their love of one another and desire to spend their days together, in fact, I applaud it – it is needed. What I disagree with is that we should have opted for a better word, elevate it. I mean hell, we often take a concept and make it so much better. What would fashion be if it had not been influenced by LGBTQ+ people or art? It would be rather boring, thats for sure. 

So, why did we get hung up on the term?

We tried that avenue out of the attempt of achieving equality. We tried to approach it in humanistic terms, speaking to how we should have the rights to visit our partners in the hospital, share insurance, and the multitude of other benefits that often come with marriage. What we only partially took into account for was how much heterosexuals equated us with the antithesis of their wholesome beliefs. We were seen as legions of the devil sent to corrupt and destroy the foundations of a belief and way of living. You know what, though? They were partially correct, that is exactly why we are here. 

Unbalanced power

We have fought for our existence in a world that has forgotten that we were once already a part of it. There is plenty of history that shows prior to the era of prohibition and the rise of American Christianity, that LGBTQ+ were a part of the community. We owned bars, vacation spots, and so much more. With the rise of prohibition and the Christian mindset, those things were preached against and fell out of favor. Those organizations and people in power spoke out about those that are different and how we are here to undermine, steal, and destroy their way of living. Facts were distorted to prove their points and, slowly, a massive rift grew. If it is one thing that humans are good for it is alienating those that are different. It has come in many guises in history and we are here, again. 

Those that are in power are breeding dissension and separation. They know that a country divided is easier to rule than one that stands together. They know it is easy to control a person through emotion, even if there is no truth to the feeling. If you can convince someone that another person is trying to take way something they hold dear, they you have a new soldier in your fight. WE are letting those people win, WE are allowing their power to increase, and, yes, WE can also stop them. 

To those out there that are standing behind these charlatans promising greatness but instead of wanting to watch the world burn in division, you are being led by the nose. You just dont realize it yet. While you stand there and categorically tout their propaganda as your truth, you are failing to see that once all of the “threats” are removed that you will become the next target. Unless you fit into the group they cherish and hold in esteem, you are just one of us. In 2024, the top 10% of earners in the United States held 67% of the country’s wealth. The top 1% of those households held $49.2 trillion of the US wealth. Let that sink in a moment. The bottom 50% of workers, in the United States, hold 2.5% of that wealth. That is you, me, and a large percentage of the people we know. There are more of us in the lower end of the earning spectrum than those that are in power and controlling that wealth. They are scared by that number but they are also the ones that drive the changes and create the rules. The balance of power is not very balanced.

A promise denied, a right at risk

There is a part of me that, to this day, feels guilty for turning down Shawn’s marriage proposal. It would have been a spit in the eye of those that seek to tell us how to live. It would have been an act of rebellion to the tyranny of the supposed Christian nation we live in. It would have been an act of speaking out against all of this bullshit, but that would have been the wrong thing to do. This man stood before me and wanted a union that would showcase our love of one another, not a political stunt. But with the possibility of us losing the last few pieces of ground we have so painfully fought for makes me question that. Thankfully, I became a minister in 2018, with the very mindset of being able to legally marry as many queers as I could. That was the act of rebellion I think he would have preferred for me. Sadly, I have not performed any, as of yet. Maybe that should change, maybe I should start actively seeking those that want to marry and helping them achieve their dream while simultaneously using that stage as a means to spit in the eye of the good ole boys running our government. Or maybe I am just angry and looking for a place to direct it. Who knows.

What about you, dear reader, how do you feel about the climate we are currently in? Do you think we need to marry as many of us as we can before we lose the right to do it in any semblance of a legal union? Do you think this country will change the course we seem to be on? Let me know what you are thinking in the comments below. Just know, if you have any dark feelings about where we are heading as a country, you are not alone. I see and hear your fear and share it. But I will stand here, shouting into the void for as long as it takes, I will be here to stand with you and listen to your sadness. And, if you need it, I can be here to legally marry you, while we still can. Thanks to each and everyone of you who make GayintheCLE what it is. You are important and I thank you for heing here.