Finding Yourself or Fitting In: Why You Win Both Ways By Being You

“Perhaps home is not a place, but simply an irrevocable condition.” ~James Baldwin

Have you ever laughed at something because everyone else around you was doing it? It’s normal, isn’t it? Our old brains lure us to fit in with others, but we don’t live in the stone age anymore. The yearning for acceptance, that feeling of belonging to a community (Squad Goals!). We crave validation, that unspoken message saying, 

“You’re part of the tribe (Squad Goals!)!”

But what if the path to true happiness lies not in conformity, but in embracing your authentic self? Many of us spend years trying to fit in – the “right” job, the “expected” relationship, the constant need to please. We wear masks, jump through hoops, yet the feeling of belonging remains elusive.

In today’s world of social media “squad goals” and picture-perfect friendships, it’s easy to feel pressure to conform. But what if there’s a better way? What if true happiness comes from embracing your authentic self, not trying to fit a mold? This article explores the age-old struggle between fitting in and being true to yourself, revealing why you can actually win on both fronts. Let’s take a look at Finding Yourself or Fitting In: Why You Win Both Ways By Being You!

1. From Fraternity FOMO to Finding Myself: A Journey of Belonging
2. Nature vs. Nurture: Is the Desire to Belong Learned or Inherited?
3. From Pack Mentality to Self-Discovery:
4. Now is the time to feel at home

From Fraternity FOMO to Finding Myself: A Journey of Belonging

Most of my life I have felt like an outsider. I simply did not fit in with any peer groups in my school. When I went to college, I decided I wanted to finally fit in. I thought I could do that by joining a fraternity, only I didn’t know any fraternity people or their circles. So, what was I to do? As luck would have it, I was dating a woman at the time (yes, I did date women in my past, so I am not a gold star gay) and she belonged to a sorority that was connected to a fraternity called Mu Sigma Beta. I expressed my desire to join a frat to Vicky but didn’t know how I would accomplish it. She knew the President of the fraternity and told him about me wanting to jong. Bam! I received an invite to pledge and I was stoked. I followed everything they wanted me to do, all through pledging. I even went so far as to try to stay awake the entire week of pledging. The pledge master found out I wasn’t sleeping, even though they hinted we were supposed to stay away, and forced me to “clean cobwebs,” in a dorm room. That would allow me to sleep.

Once pledging was done and I was a full member, I still didn’t feel I fit in. To fix that, I expressed my desire to become pledge master and president of the frat. In doing so, I removed a legacy member for no other reason than we didn’t get along. That caused a massive rift in the fraternity and its alumni, and started a change in pledging. I tried, hard, to create my own utopia. That lasted until I found out how upset the alum were over some of my decisions. When I left college, I severed my ties with the fraternity, other than keeping contact with the few I had managed to become friends with. 

I tried to create my perfect place to fit in but the problem was, I didn’t know what or who I was at the time. What I created didn’t fix my longing, in fact, it made it worse. I would continue to try to fit in with others for the next 20 plus years, thinking that’s how I would experience happiness. I found out, through a lot of heartbreaks, pain, and hurtful lessons, that who I needed to fit in with was myself and I needed to explore who that was to find my answers.

Nature vs. Nurture: Is the Desire to Belong Learned or Inherited?

The sun slowly peaks above the horizon on a grassy plain in 50,000 BC. Our ancestors lived in small tribes. The tribe was the key component for the survival of its people. Together, a tribe ensured that everyone had food and protection when your day to day life was filled with hunger and death. Fitting in with your fellow tribe mates ensured you had some kind of status in the tribe. If you went against the grain or did anything that would change how you were viewed, you risked being ostracized from your tribe and left to your own means for survival. Fitting in also gave you the ability to find a mate to ensure the survival of your people. Back then, it was imperative. 

This little interaction has evolved with us to create this obsession for what others things of us – a craving for approval and admiration and an intense fear of being disliked or rejected. But something changed…

Over time, humans developed something called civilization and that changed everything. The bad part is that our social structures and biology is much slow to evolve. We are still wired for tribal living and a focus on the tribal style of social survival in a world that forces isolation more than coworking. We still teach our kids that they need to fit in, to be accepted. “Dont stand out or people will see you as a trouble maker,” was a line my mother told me when I was young. It drives every decision we make.

Pop Quiz time:

How many of you stand in front of a mirror, on any driven day, try on multiple outfits just to find something ‘acceptable’ to wear? You go through every shred of clothing in your closet and when you are done you still haven’t picked out anything to wear. Sound familiar? This is how the need of “fitting in” can affect us. We try on all of these “clothes” to find something we hope others will acknowledge and compliment us on.

From Pack Mentality to Self-Discovery:

We’re all wired for connection, right? That primal urge to belong, to be part of a tribe (pack mentality). It’s a basic human need, a desire for acceptance and a sense of community.

So we chase social validation (pack mentality). We take the “safe” job, the “expected” relationship, constantly striving to please. We wear masks, following societal expectations, yet the feeling of true belonging remains elusive.

But what if there’s another way? What if genuine happiness lies in self-discovery and embracing your authentic self? This section explores how to move beyond the ingrained need to fit in and discover your place in the world as your true self.

So what does it take to truly belong? First, it takes you to inhabit the world as the real you. But also remember that no matter how hard you try, you cannot fit where you do not belong. What do I mean? Fitting in is about trying to adapt, yourself, to a world that is not your own, you dont belong to it. But dont give up hope. Here are a few steps you can take to truly belong where you are meant to be, even if you dont seem to fit in anywhere, at all.

1. Rock the boat: The act of fitting in is predicated on you being like everyone else, when you aren’t. To truly rock the boat, you need to live and be your authentic self. That means sharing things about what makes you, you. You dont have to dress, look, act, speak, or be like anyone else because you were born the best version of you, already.
2. Build your dreams, not someone’s else’s: When you try to fit in, you’re constantly doing what other people want you to do. Instead, work on actualizing your potential by following the dreams of your heart. Go for the job that makes you happiness, wear what you like, and live the life that makes you feel complete.
3. Learn that cool people don’t rule: We all know the “cool people,” it is the ones that are doing things we think feel good. We seek their acceptance by doing the things they need us to do. Maybe that means being the sober driver or always being the one who breaks things to parties they plan. When you try to be in the crowd of people who always want a piece of you, you leave yourself out there for all the drama and negativity that can come with it. Instead of being with the social consumers, look for those that support and uplift the best parts of you.
4. The “Me First” Mantra: I will almost bet that growing up, your parents told you that you should put the needs of others first, so you dont appear selfish. If someone asks something of you, you are supposed to help them. You were being taught to be a crowd or people pleaser. The forces your identity to be what others think you should be, instead of who you are. Stop putting everyone else’s needs before yours. Think of it like an airplane attendant tells you before take off – if the oxygen masks descend, make sure your’s is secure before helping others. Your needs and well being have to be the first consideration or you cannot be there to help others.
5. You are already okay: This may sound a bit vague, but bear with me. Most of the time, our life feels like we are up against some perceived standards that we have to rise to. We look outside for people to validate our looks, our careers/schooling., and our lives. But striving for some false ideal will only ever leave you falling short of that goal. No one can tell you if you are pretty enough, rich enough, or whatever else. You will always belong when you finally know that you are enough. 

Now is the time to feel at home

The simple truth, here, is that it takes courage to belong. Why, you may ask? To feel at home in your own skin, own your beliefs, and goals and work to achieve them takes more energy than just simply fitting in. Anyone can hide amongst the members of a group. That doesnt mean you are accepted. But that hiding away will leave you losing parts of who you are and they are the very things that make each of us beautiful and intriguing. Those were the qualities that people remember most, not that you looked like everyone else, In fact, that will leave you blending in and being hidden. If that is your goal, then this article wasnt for you. Stop taking the easy way out, instead it is time for you to come back to you, Be the best you.

Do you try to fit in or have you learned to live in your own skin and be the fullest version of you? How did you accomplish this? If you prefer to just blend in and be accepted, what makes you choose that route? How does it make you feel safe? Let me know in the comments below. Remember, each of us is as unique as a snowflake. No one will be put together the same way you are and think the same way you do. You are a prototype, a one and only, a rare creation, celebrate that fact.