Each of us, as children, want to grow up to be our own unique person. We bear witness to how the adults in our lives play out their daily lives and we say that we will never become that, we will be different. We still think we will always like the things we did then. We huddle together without friends and say we will never lose our desire to take time to play and just be a kid. We laugh and say that we won’t end up as boring as they are and we will make better choices because we know what it is like to have fun. We extol ourselves for being what we think of as independent and liking the things we like with the belief we will always like them.
As we grow older, that child-like wonder seems to change due to the world around us, people we meet, and ideals we are shown. We cling to the idea that we are still being our independent selves and different from the structures we grew up in, but is that the case? Today, we will look at Do We Live Life On Our Terms?
Children are connoisseurs
“Children are the true connoisseurs, what’s precious to them has no price, just value.” Bel Kaufman
Fifty is staring me in the face… Yeah I said it, I am be “OLD,” or at least the understanding I had of what old was as a child. Seeing it from this end has me looking over my life and taking stock, as it were, of all that has been. Going over major life events, all the way down to the simple choices I have made about the smallest of things. I think most of us, at some point, realize that we are the product of our parents and how we were raised. Almost each and everyone of us said, as a child, that we would never grow up to be like our parents or those in authority around us. The sad part is that we all take on those traits and become part of our lives, regardless. That is what I am looking at, with the big 5-0 ahead of me.
As a kid, I ran around with my blankie tied around my neck to be like Batman. I carried my mother’s old purses as a way of keeping all of my Star Wars figures in one place, only seeing it as my magical bag. I played with Barbie dolls and had a Wonder Woman doll. Cartoons were my life and my hobby was helping my sister and cousin attempt to dig up an old stump from my grandmother’s yard. I believed that by the time I was an adult, life would be like it was in the cartoon The Jetsons. We all would have flying cars and houses in the sky. A wave of our hand would open doors, like in sci-fi movies. And that every home would have this “box” that would allow us to talk to our friends and family, teach us new things, be a central point of the house, and to watch television.
As a child, what is most important to us are the simpler things. If we’re talking about tangible things, they are cartoons, sunny days outside, our favorite toy, and playtime. In the more abstract, we mean laughter, fun, and a lack of worry. Simply put, we like what we like and we think that we will never outgrow that. We fail to understand that our fierce independence is about to be constantly assaulted by things like peer pressure and judgment for our differences.
Like all kids, somewhere along the way, that all changed… I changed.
The adult that will be
“For in every adult there resides the child that was, and in every child there lies the adult that will be.” – John Connolly
We don’t see our childhood wonder falling away as we age. And it is no wonder, it is done a little bit at a time. This slow whittling away deceives us, it allows us to believe that we are still that same kid clinging on the ideals of how we will truly be different from our parents.That we wont fall into the same traps they did and lose ourselves. The problem is that life is like that scene in Jurassic Park where the velociraptors have escaped the pen and start hunting the people. The one scene, in particular, where the hunter is tracking the raptors and sees one in the clearing and gets ready to take the shot, unbeknownst to him there are raptors on each side of him, just waiting to make the kill. Basically, life comes at children from all sides and they rarely see it coming.
What do I mean here?
As we grow, the things we love and value are called into question by those around us and our environment. For me, I can recall two early situations that had a big effect on me and both happened in kindergarten.
As I mentioned, I had a Wonder Woman doll but that was not the only doll I had. My absolute favorite toy was the Spaceman doll. If you aren’t familiar, Spaceman was the stage name of Ace Frehley from KISS fame. In the late 70s, KISS licensed Mego dolls for their band. They had synthetic hair, changeable clothes, and came with accessories for your playtime adventurers (their respective instruments), all like Barbie. I carried this doll everywhere, even to kindergarten. Until one fateful day with Harold Mcguire stole Ace from me and taunted me with him. He ran around the classroom yelling “Look, Keith plays with dolls.” Everyone laughed and I tried to get my toy back. In the end, Harold ended up messing up it’s hair, stripping him naked, and then finally giving it back to me, once enough fun had been made at my expense.I hid in the bathroom for an hour after that.
You would have thought I learned my lesson with Ace Frehley but no. What I did learn was not to take Ace back to school. That did not stop me from taking my mother’s old purse with my action figures in it. As you can guess, that too elicited a similar interaction of being made fun of but for carrying a purse. “Look, Keith is really a girl” or “look at the sissy” was yelled all day long. I was angry, hurt, and completely confused that no one could see the awesomeness of the bag. I didnt understand why I was being made fun of.
These interactions would lay the foundation for me slowly starting to hide who I was and the things I liked. I realized that being myself came with consequences and that being different wasn’t the way to be liked by people. I learned that I could only enjoy those things in my personal time and with those that were closest to me. It set the stage for how I would go on to present myself.
A child’s light
“You were born a child of light’s wonderful secret — you return to the magnificence you have always been.” – Aberjhani
As a child, I didn’t know the far reaching implications those judgments and thoughts would have on me. Then with my father trying to impress upon me what proper boys were supposed to like and how to become a man, the very things that brought me joy were called into question. I had to learn to fit in or as he said it, be like real boys. Dolls were traded for cars and balls, my magic bag was tossed out and a toy box was to be used. And my playtime was cut down so that I could learn how to be a man by learning to cut wood, mow the yard, and such.
Peer pressure taught me that I should be stoic and not be seen enjoying stupid cartoons. I could no longer watch Care Bears, Rainbowbrite, or love Strawberry Shortcake, I had to start being like other boys and only watch things like G.I Joe, or things that seemed more masculine. And then, even cartoons were to fall by the wayside, they were flights of fancy reserved for the very young.
The far reaching effects of this only recently became understood to me. Karl once pointed out to me that I will say I don’t like something that is popular, simply because others find it popular. I, of course, tried to explain it away based on some principle of my personal interests or some such nonsense. In the back of my head, it started a line of questioning of what I enjoy and why.
I remember at some point in my life, I stopped being interested in Nintendo video games because they seemed childlike to me. I equated the simple fun and joy that Nintendo creates as not being masculine.The only animation I would watch was anime, because it seemed more elevated than Disney cartoons. I stopped enjoying comedy because somewhere I developed the mindset that real men don’t laugh out loud. At least that was how I projected myself to the outside world. In private, I would watch those movies with no one around to judge me and I kept it to myself. Five years ago, while working at GameStop, I purchased the Nintendo Switch and it was the first time I played any Nintendo game since my days of having the NES (Nintendo Entertainment System). It would take another five years for me to realize that I had been “enjoying” life on a perception of what I thought I should be, instead of that fierce kid who said he would not grow up and lose that childlike wonderment I had when I was young.
It’s never too late
“It’s never too late to enjoy a happy childhood.” – Tom Robbins
As I approach fifty, I realized that I have lived most of my life on a perception of what I should be and what I am supposed to like. I put the things I enjoy and what made me unique in a box and up on a shelf, instead of enjoying them as I had. I have slowly realized that it is never too late to return to that happy childhood and indulge yourself in the “finer things of life.” To enjoy it on our terms, instead of the rigors we have been forced to adhere to, in our adult lives. It is time to enjoy our childhood, again, and be our fiercely unique selves we once were.
What about you, are you still living the person you were as a child or did you also file those things away because you thought that is what life was about? Maybe you realized long before I did that the only voice that matters in what you like and how you live is your own. How do you still maintain your childlike wonder of the worldLet me know in the comments below. I am truly interested to hear how you still keep those child ideals alive in your adult life.
Gay in the CLE 