I admit, I haven’t been fully vested in the dating scene for a hot minute. A lot of reasons really, like survivor’s guilt which lead to apathy in general and finished up with lack of interest in the BS that guys seem to give on every app and dating site out there. I got back into thinking about dating again last year, after my birthday, due to feeling lonely. And really the scene hasn’t changed and leads me to question the why’s of it again. So, what do you do when the dating scene is so repetitive?
The group over at Thought Catalog put together an interesting list of the 12 Types of Gay Men You Will Encounter While Dating. I can tell you that I have encounter no less that four of these types, truth be told the first six are like the returning cast to my cavalcade of dating hijinks. Let’s look at the leading men of that list. Since moving to Cleveland, the Flake has been the most reoccurring character in my life. We all know that one, you make plans everything seems cool and at the last minute something comes up and they cannot make it. “My family just came in from out of town,” or the one you know they are out of excuses to use “oh, I forgot I have a procedure that I have to get done” How in the hell do you forget you have a medical procedure until twenty minutes before you are supposed to show up? Gurrl, Bye!!! But is that the end? No, they call back the next week and apologize and get all sincere making you feel bad for realizing they were a liar and want to set something else up and you do. What happens next? Second degree burns, that’s right he cancels again. That sounded less bitter in my head.
Not to be outdone by the Flake is the loveable called the Obsessive. This little ball of feel good medicated reality is the one you go out with just once and is calling you before you get back to your car. At first it seems cute, he is so into you. Sending you texts saying he misses you, can’t wait to see you, and he likes what you are wearing right now. Then you show up to his place and your trip back from the bathroom you notice a door ajar with flicker candles, thinking that the night is about to take a fun turn you open the door to scope out the setup. Then it hits you, the wall is completely covered with pictures of you, some from your pics from your social media, then some of you sitting on your couch, shopping at Old Navy, and the awkward pic of you yawning this morning. Wait is that a piece of your hair on the dresser and why is there a doll that looks strangely…. OMG get out!!!
Hey, congratulations you survived. He didn’t go all Fatal Attraction on you, if you got the bunny in the stew pot, I am sorry. It is usually at this point that I decide to wind it back in a bit and rethink my strategy. The next option that usually follows up is what that article calls the 0 attraction, but bored and desperate. And after not dating for about six years, let me tell you that desperation does start to set in, especially when it’s been two years since you have seen anyone naked but your reflection. Mr. Zero Attraction seems like a good thing, all the fun of going out with someone, having dinner and drinks, but none of the messy have to worry about whether sex is going to happen or a restraining order. If you are lucky, the conversation could at least be tolerable. Typically, you are so disinterested that you are focusing on how good the specials from that trendy restaurant you went to. By the end of the night, the guys is oblivious to the fact that the night was just a step above being in your PJs binge watching something on Netflix. He picks up the check, you both walk to the car, and then you hear it. “I had a great time, would like to see you again.” Time to come out of your comatose state and realize what he is asking before you simply agree. Mainly, because by the time you get him you will have pornhub.com/gay pulled up on your phone and entertaining thoughts of how you could tie up rough trade for the night.
We all talk about how we want to find that normal guy. That one man as elusive as a unicorn or quality gay porn with a storyline. The sad part is a lot of us didn’t come out until later in life, so we are just like a teenager in the dating scene. We wouldn’t know normal if it was driving us to the church to get married. Hell, we barely know what we like. We look at this guy who is gainfully employed, seems like he won’t dress up in your clothes and try to take over your life, and is truly interested in what you think and say, all we see is a big flashing sign that says BORING!!! You pass them up on any app or bar because they do not stand out, he’s not the most attractive and doesn’t flash himself around. That should be the very reason we make it a point to talk to them and put a ring on it.
All I am saying is, for the most part, couples have it made. They already have found someone they get to go home with every day. They no longer have to play the dating field to see what turns up. Are couples without problems? We will get to that next time; however, they do not have to worry about the catch and release program that is dating. Do any of you have any dating horror stories you would like to share? Drop them in the comments below, would love to hear and commiserate with you.
I want to extend the deepest thanks to every trans/gender non-conforming person who has shared their personal stories through my blog. Each of you are a string in the larger fabric that is the LGBT community. Your stories are more important than any of us realize, the difficulties you have experienced are the similar to others and could be the difference they need in feeling their own worth. To each of you who reads this, remember that you are part of that fabric as well. I hope that the stories and information I share can be of some use to you. I hope that you realize you are not alone in this world, there are others like you and have went through very similar things. We have survived through sheer force of will and determination. Lean on us for the strength you may need, there are those of us who give it willingly.
With all the huff and hype the media and political figures put out, they want you to think that transgender people are a new concept. That their interests only became more relevant after marriage equality started. We all know that trans people have been part of human history since the beginning, just like lesbians, gays, and bisexuals. The battle for transgender rights has been a long, hard struggle and activist Samy Nour shows just how long this battle has been going on. “Imagine how the conversation would shift if we acknowledge just how long trans people have been demanding equality,” he says.
Having these talks with people is never a comfortable situation, and it shouldn’t be. When things become comfortable, we tend to overlook what causes issues and try to gloss over them. Being an advocate for a community will always be that struggle to make others understand what is outside of their normal views and lives. It is how we prove that each of us has worth and is just as meaningful as the next person. LB Hannahs is a genderqueer parent and shows how they manage and negotiate the discomforts of everyday life.
The more our stories get in front of people, the more it forces them to realize that they already know someone like you or me. This puts a face with a label and forces them to look at us in a differently. It is harder to hate groups of people when there is emotional attachment to them. And educating them on how long the struggle for acceptance and equality has been going on will hopefully change their minds. It is left to us to be the stewards for the next generations of LGBT people. How we choose to fight today will affect how they live tomorrow. The struggle still starts with the education of our community. If we don’t understand the struggle, there is no hope of being able to unite and fight.
Again, thank each of you for trusting me with the stories you have shared. It has been my honor and privilege to share them with our community. My hope is to keep doing this for as long as anyone has a story they want to share. It is a means for you to be visible, even if you choose not to disclose your name. Your story is the important part of visibility, that is what can and will affect another someone else.
Often overlooked in our LGBTQ community is the Transgender community. In this administration where much of the legislation being changed, seems to have a direct correlation to Transgender rights, I feel it is important to be able to share some of their stories. It is time for us all to set our differences and beliefs aside. We must unite and fight this administration before it removes any more from us and we lose all the progressions we have made. We have already seen the Trans ban that has been passed by this administration, we cannot rest until every right being taken away from us is returned. That requires us coming together as one community, no matter our points of view. Each of us live our lives on our own means. We are forced to make a living and must, in doing so, be ready to fight how it best serves our greatest good, do not judge someone by their words as much as their deeds or actions. Remember that I share stories of our community and how we/they live in it. Names are only changed when asked to do so, words are only changed for spelling or ease of flow. So, join with me as I share their stories and let’s celebrate their fight and stand with them. Be supportive, without judgement.
I would like to introduce you to Arianna Jade, a 28-year-old transwoman who lives in the Cleveland area. She is an unabashed and unapologetic voice for trans people to their lives on their own terms. She is as comfortable with who she is personally as she is in her porn career. Arianna doesn’t live by the definitions of others, whether it be her personal life or her professional career. To use a quote from one of her social media pages “Accept no one’s definition of your life but define yourself.”
Tell me about yourself. Name, age, where you live, and what you do.
My name is Arianna Jade Devor I’m 28 I live in Cleveland Ohio from Miami FL and I am a Veteran of the Air Force and I model. I am also a transgender pornstar. You can find me on Instagram at itsariejade, Facebook, and if you like, on my PornHub channel.
What does transgender mean to you?
To me, transgender means defying the “normal” gender roles and expressing yourself how you truly feel inside your heart, mind, and soul. Being your true authentic self despite the hate and prejudice you will face for this choice. Keeping true to yourself and most of all having an enviable courage and strength for doing so.
What are some common misconceptions you face about Transgender men and women?
That trans women are gay and trans men are lesbian, that those who judge us think we are all weird or have something wrong with us.
How should someone ask a Transgender person which pronouns they prefer?
I like them asking me, directly, what pronouns I prefer.
Do people ask you if you have had any surgeries and how does that make you feel?
Yes, and I, personally, am comfortable with it. I have answered many questions to inform people about my breast augmentation procedure, to a whole spectrum of people.
What are things that we should avoid doing with Transgender person?
Just be considerate and sensitive to how they feel. Everyone’s comfort level is different, and boundaries should be respected.
What has been the hardest part of your transition so far?
Realizing I don’t needs another people’s acceptance, if I am to accept and love myself. To be transparently honest about me.
Tell me about your normal day? – being a parent of a Transgender child/ Transgender person-
I get up. Walk the dog, do my makeup, pick out my outfit. You know the same things everyone else does.
I am a cisgender Gay male, and always want to know how to be a better ally for trans*individuals. What are some things I can do to aid in trans* visibility and helping to create a safe environment, based on your personal experience?
Talk to us, call the representative of the Trans Community at your local LGBT Center, and get active in our community. We have tons of cool events and social informational groups to offer.
How can people best support Transgender children?Let them make choices for themselves without judgement
Do people question your sexuality when you tell them you are Transgender?Most assume, as a trans female, I only like men. In reality I’m a pansexual, I don’t limit my choices to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.
In a couple of your vids you have the label she-male or tranny, why do you choose that as a label?
I got into porn, with a gay porn company, after I left the military in 2014 and I also escorted on the side. I am passionate about my career in porn, even more so I’m now comfortable with my body. I choose labels for my videos based on popular tags used in transgender porn searches or that is part of a role play being acted out. And hey, check out my PornHub channel.
With stars like Scarlett Johansson being offered a role as a Trans man in Rub & Tug, what are some common misconceptions about Transgender people portrayed in Hollywood?
Oh, this is a triggering question as the way Hollywood portrays most trans surpasses offensive and goes straight to derogatory and demeaning,
What gives you strength day to day?Knowing how far I have come in my short 2-year journey, living as my true self
Can you describe for me why it is important that our laws and people treat each other equally?
Because no one ever got anywhere being mean to someone look at history it proves peace prevails and we are stronger united as one.
There is no one way to live our lives. To say that how one person chooses to be is wrong and is no different than those passing laws that affect us daily. You may not agree with word choices that others use to survive, but it is a means of raging against the very system that forces us into little boxes. Arianna lives her life with the strength and conviction of a fighter, making her own choices. She doesn’t ask for approval, only the breadth to be able to make them for herself. It is a lesson we can take from her, no matter our view points. Arianna shares qualities of some of our early pioneers; the ability to walk their lives without fear of acceptance of others and to blaze their own trail because it is the only way forward. Even Marsha P. Johnson did not start out to be a fighter or leader, her life wasn’t a golden image of who a trans person should be. She simply lived. We can ask no less of our fellow brothers and sisters.
Often overlooked in our LGBTQ community is the Transgender community. In this administration where much of the legislation being changed, seems to have a direct correlation to Transgender rights, I feel it is important to be able to share some of their stories. It is time for us all to set our differences and beliefs aside. We must unite and fight this administration before it removes any more from us and we lose all the progressions we have made. We have already seen the Trans ban that has been passed by this administration, we cannot rest until every right being taken away from us is returned. That requires us coming together as one community, no matter our points of view. Each of us live our lives on our own means. We are forced to make a living and must, in doing so, be ready to fight how it best serves our greatest good, do not judge someone by their words as much as their deeds or actions. Remember that I share stories of our community and how we/they live in it. Names are only changed when asked to do so, words are only changed for spelling or ease of flow. So, join with me as I share their stories and let’s celebrate their fight and stand with them. Be supportive, without judgement.
Today, let me introduce you to Belle Ursa, a 22-year-old business owner in Tremont area of Cleveland. Like many others I have interviewed, Belle wants you to understand that day to day lives are no different between Trans/Gender Non-conforming people and Cis-gender. We all eat, sleep, work, and have the same worries. Belle is co-owner of Amplio Fitness and focuses on mind, body, and spirit of the LGBTQ community. Make sure you check it out and support our community business owners.
Tell me about yourself. Name, age, where you live, and what you do.
My name is Belle Ursa, I am 22 years old currently living in Tremont! I am the co-owner of Amplio Fitness in Rocky River and I am also a certified Health Coach! My business focuses on the LGBTQ community, specifically the Trans community in order to provide health and fitness services. https://ampliofitness.com/
To me, Transgender is any gender identity that is different from the one you were assigned to at birth.
What are some common misconceptions you face about Transgender men and women?
There a lot of misconceptions, but I think some of the common ones are usually based in a medical context. A lot of people believe that the end goal of every Trans person is to get “the surgery.” A lot of the times its true, Trans people do want to get gender affirmation surgeries, but there are many people out there who are fine with just receiving hormone therapy or even no medical interventions at all! There is no “right” way of being transgender, there is no end goal or perfect example. It’s just changing different aspects of your life until you are comfortable with who you are and how people perceive you.
How should someone ask a Transgender person which pronouns they prefer?
Just like the question phrases it, you just ask! I know it can be awkward to ask but trust me when I say it’s much more respectful to just ask rather than guessing. By asking you are not only breaking down the social habit of assuming someone’s gender based on physical appearance (which is rooted in transphobia anyways), but you are also giving the individual complete control of how the world sees them. They have the power to claim their identity, claim their pronouns, and decide how they are perceived. Sometimes straight up asking pronouns out of context can be extremely harsh, so if you meet someone for the first time, I suggest introducing yourself and your pronouns first like so: “Hi! My name is Belle, my pronouns are she/her/hers” and then usually people follow suit. This lets folks know you’re “down with pronouns” and you’re not here to pre-judge anyone about theirs!
Do people ask you if you have had any surgeries and how does that make you feel?
Yeah, all the time and it’s completely uncomfortable. I divulge my journey when I feel like it’s important. If it helps someone or can educate people at the right time, I like to talk about myself. But that’s on my time and it’s my decision. Often times people ask me questions because they want to satisfy their sexual curiosity or know very private things because they want to feel special and at that point, I’m not longer a person to them, but a mystery that they want to “solve.”
What are things that we should avoid doing with Transgender person?
Assuming pronouns/guessing.
Asking private questions, especially one’s related to their bodies or their medical experiences.
Not paying them for their labor (i.e. education, vulnerability, expertise)
Tokenizing them in work situations
Using slurs
Using the terms Tranny, Transgendered, Transgenderism, Transsexual
Gatekeeping on what a trans person “should” be.
What has been the hardest part of your transition so far?
For me I think it was finding the courage to stick to who I am. In my experience when I came out the comments were often really passive aggressive like “Are you sure you want to do that? What would other people think? It’s going to be hard. It’s so expensive.” Most of the time I suppose these concerns were rooted in people caring/worrying for me, but it was a terrible way to interact with me coming out. I felt no support. I just felt doubt and fear which then piled onto my already growing sense of insecurity and anxiety. It was also a little insulting because it felt like people assumed, I didn’t think about these things daily. It takes so much strength to come out and for people to not react in a positive and loving way is awful. It’s soul crushing. There were so many times I wanted to quit. I wished I didn’t have to go through this. But I think that’s also where the magic of Trans people come from. No matter where their journey takes them, they almost always experience hardships and backlash for who they are and, in that chaos, we are able to find resiliency and magic that fuels our compassion for ourselves.
Tell me about your normal day? – being a parent of a Transgender child/ Transgender person
I think this is a little weird of a question. My normal day is like any others. I get up, I do things like go to work, I eat, I play with my animals, I sleep, I watch Netflix. Just because I’m a Trans person doesn’t mean that may day have to be revolutionary different than anyone else’s. Sure, there are small changes like maybe I have to take medicine, but like 80% of the population takes some type of medicine or vitamin with their breakfast so…
I am a cisgender Gay male, and always want to know how to be a better ally for trans* individuals. What are some things I can do to aid in trans* visibility and helping to create a safe environment, based on your personal experience?
Support Trans business (hello my fitness studio is Amplio Fitness)
Pay trans people for education
I think you’re involved with ALL AXS bar in Willoughby, right? Try putting on a Trans night or hire Trans DJs etc.
Educate yourself, look into articles and vocabulary so the burden doesn’t always have to fall on a Trans person
Educate and advocate to your cisgender allies. If you hear something say something. Correct misunderstandings you see, defend a trans person in public. Be a vocal and visible ally.
How can people best support Transgender children?
Oh, love this question, my research in college was about the emotional and social development of Trans adolescents. Basically, you know how bullying can cause children to have higher rates of negative social and emotional development like anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, intimacy issues, etc.? Multiply that by like 300% for Transgender/Gender non-conforming kids. The more non-passing they are (i.e. the more out of the box they look) the harder their isolation and bullying is and the higher the correlation with mental health issues they face. Children identifying as Trans/Gender Non-conforming need friends and family who support them, they need to find other people who identify the way they do to understand that they are normal, they are valid, and that they can grow and become successful adults. They need policies and rules in place that protect them. They need schools that educate the whole institution about their identities to start creating a more accepting environment. They need teachers who advocate for them. They need classroom policies in place that protect them. They need bathrooms that they can go into and be safe. I literally have so many thoughts about this lol, but we can convene later/more in depth if you want.
Do people question your sexuality when you tell them you are Transgender?
Not really, I mean it sometimes doesn’t go hand in hand. Like sexuality is based off gender in a way, but not vice versa. To whom I am attracted to plays zero roles in my gender identity.
What gives you strength day to day?
Myself and my freedom that I have worked extremely hard for over my life. I’ve been transitioning “officially” for 4 to 5 years now but I’ve always been gender non-conforming ever since I was a child. My entire life I’ve been told no, I can’t do certain things, I’m not allowed, and my strength comes from being able to prove everyone wrong. To live as myself, authentically and without regret. If I can do that and I am still alive today, I have the strength to do anything I want.
Can you describe for me why it is important that our laws and people treat each other equally?
Because I should not be able to be murdered. No one in my community should be murdered because of who we are. Laws influence society and society dictates how we exist. Most trans people I know have been verbally harassed, physically assaulted, or worse because of who they are. Do you know how many people report it? Little to none because of how poorly it is received. I’ve gotten statements like “Well you deserved what happened because you deceived them of who you really are,” meaning they saw me as a man and that I was just “pretending” to be who I was. You know I’ve seen some court cases where a man who murdered transwoman claimed the panic defense and got away free because of the simple fact that courts and society often times don’t see trans-people as a valid identity? A woman was MURDERED because a man assumed, she was cisgender and her biology was different and… he…walks…away. Some people claim “Oh she should’ve told him” but do you not see the fact she was murdered for being trans was THE REASON WHY SHE WAS MURDERED? Again, I can go into this in much more detail, but I don’t know how long you want my responses.
Thanks for this opportunity to share my experiences and thoughts!
Belle shows us that while our journeys may be fraught with hardships, we must endure and gain the strength those situations give us. Life takes courage, facing each day as the person you are takes courage, it is these steps that foster strength in us and allow us to move forward. Our words and actions, as small as they appear to us, can be beacons for others. Always fight for what you believe in and never be satisfied with what you are given. Her story can give each of us knowledge we did not have before, while our stories are different, taking cues from others can give us new perspective on how to better handle new situations. Support and understanding of our fellow brothers and sisters is what will make us strong. One voice and one vision.
So, I was having a moment of writer’s block and unsure what topic I wanted to cover next, it is still a good month before Pride season starts and didn’t want to burn that out before then. A new friend of mine suggested I write about her and her lifestyle, never wanting to turn down a chance to write about someone from the Cleveland area, I was a bit intrigued. When she shared with me her story, I admit I was a little hesitant. After all, this is something I only have passing knowledge of and isn’t specific to the LGBT people. Since I am more about capturing stories of the counter and subcultures of the area, I call home, I said why not. Let’s try it and see what we can do with it.
So, we are talking about furries and if you are like me, most of us only have a cursory knowledge of this subculture. We have seen them at Comic-cons, on TV shows, and have heard or even watched furry porn on PornHub. *No judgments here* But do any of us truly understand who they are and what they are about? It’s much easier to just go with what little information that we have about them. Thanks to the above-mentioned friend, I started doing some research into them and will share her story later. Let’s get a little groundwork out of the way first, shall we? The furry subculture is represented by anthropomorphized animal characters. That boils down to giving human qualities to animals. They are people who dress up in some form of a fur suit and become animals with human intelligence and facial expressions. From just wearing a tail and maybe ears to a fully formed animal suit that looks like the fursona. What is a fursona, you ask? Essentially, it is the personality of the animal that you are portraying, name, emotions, appearance, and behaviors of that animal.
Fred Patten, furry fandom historian, says that furries were born at a science fiction convention in 1980. A drawing from Steve Gallacci’s Albedo Anthropomorphicsstarted a conversation about anthropomorphic characters in science fiction. This evolved to groups meeting at sci-fi and comic- cons and progressed into fury suits paying homage to those characters. Though there are many who feel that this started much earlier thanks to works like (1973) Disney’s Robin Hood, Kimba, (1965) The White Lion, and (1972) Watership Down, this would date its origins to much earlier. The 1980s gave rise to the first furry fanzines and by 1989 there had been enough interest generated that allowed for the first furry convention to be held. This convention was called Confurence 0 and was held in Costa Mesa, California. The 1990s brought with it access to the internet and suddenly furry fans from all over were able to meet and discuss their love for all things furry. The first newsgroup for furries was created in 1990 called alt.fan.furry and later lead to the virtual environments called MUCKs.
When I first started to write about furries, I went under the impression that it wasn’t specifically tied to LGBT people. It is interesting to note that 1.8% of the US population self-identify as bisexual and 1.7% self-identify as homosexual, according to a 2011 study from UCLA. In furry fandom, by contrast, four surveys show that 14-25% identify as homosexual, 37-52% identify as bisexual, 28-51% as heterosexual, and 3-8% identify as alternative sexual relationships. It is reports that it is predominately male-oriented, with reports being roughly 80%. With these same surveys, approximately half identify as being in relationships with 76% of those being other furries. Sexual aspect of the fandom revolves around furry erotic art and cybersex. The term YIFF is often times referred to sexual activity or material, in the fandom. These same surveys are shown to report that roughly 94% of the male respondents have watched furry porn, while roughly 79% of the female respondents watch it .The media does tend to focus on the sexual aspects of being a furry more than those who do not engage in it.
Many furries agree that the community has been misunderstood and it is not about sex. According to an article on CNN.com posted on November 14, 2018, the furry community is largely annoyed about how they are portrayed in mainstream media. Most feel that the depictions of sex fueled parties of people in furry costumes is an unfair depiction. Most feel that it is about letting out a side of them that is often times held down by their day today. These same people want you to know that it is not all about wearing the fur costume. Rod Stansfield says that “If you honestly believe that furry fandom is about costuming, then you’ve missed the point, saying furry fandom is about wearing fur suits is like saying ‘Star Trek’ fandom is about wearing pointy ears.” Stansfield is the co-founder of Confurence and, himself, doesn’t own a fursuit. The median often depicts the bright colorful costumes as the standard for the furry fandom. Pocari Roo , Barton Fox, and Stormi Folf are some of the best known furries who host YouTube channels devoted to discussing furonas, affordable suits, and general knowledge of what it means to be a furry.
Furries are more than just dressing up in fursuits, though that is a big part of it and those are called fursuiters. There are conventions, dance events, and more. The growth of the community has even gotten to the world of academia. There are continuing research projects at furscience.com that tracks attitudes and backgrounds of the furry community. They have even developed their own terminology:
Greymuzzle – older member of the furry community
Bronies – a subset of the furry community that are fans of the My Little Pony franchise.
Therian – someone who feels an intense spiritual identification with a nonhuman animal.
Babyfur – someone interested in age play, young, or childlike characters
Milfurs – furries who are or were members of the military.
A large percent of the furry community are gamers (video, board, and computer), into anime, science fiction, and fantasy. There are bars that host furry parties and yes there is even talk of the new LGBT inclusive bar, All Ax’s in Willoughby, have a furry/cosplay night.
As within the LGBT community, many of the members of the furry community come from a bullied background. In essence, their fursona allows them to detach from their reality to one which they control how they feel and interact with others. It mirrors a lot of the kink subcultures, as well. It is a means of healing the psyche, a way to compartmentalize their pain. It becomes a means to heal the trauma they have in their lives. It allows them to retake control from a life where they may feel they do not have the needed control. It is also a means to step away from who you are and express a side of you that may not be as easy to show. The furry world is without boundaries, in it any creature can exist as long as the mind can create it. What that character is like strongly depends on the person that is part of it. It can personify the best qualities of who we are or the more repressed. As there are few boundaries, furries, in part, are more accepting that their human counterparts. As such, it becomes a place that many feel they truly belong and have no fears of judgement.
Many times, our perceptions are clouded by the notions of others. Media can shape our views before we have a chance to learn about it. It is a safe bet, that for many, furries fit into that prejudged mold. Since many hide who they are from those they do not trust, you may never know that someone is a furry. We are all people and have the same driving need to belong and feel safe. This transcends sexuality, gender identity, and subculture. It is a basic human need and if not given can create negative behaviors in a person. It is as essential as the need for touch and love. Point is, don’t judge a person until you’ve walked a mile in their fursuit. Inside each of us beats a heart that is wild and wishes to roam with those just like us.
We are fully aware that history shows LGBT are more sexually active at a young age. It also shows that gay men have been fairly indiscriminate in the past, when it comes to sexual conquests. Lesbians have always been joked about bringing a U-Haul to the first date, implying that they are moving in shortly after meeting a new person. Even bisexuals are accused of being over sexually active because they can play both sides, in effect having their cake and eating it, too. Is any of it true? Yes, there are probably kernels of it throughout, even while the larger parts may be exaggeration. The bigger problem lies in proper sex education, our identities and experiences are never discussed. Also, we do not have anyone to turn to that would help us navigate some of those more sensitive questions. Current times show this is changing, but it’s at a snail’s pace in comparison to the need of it.
I still remember my sex ed class, in high school. It was talked about on the first day that at some future point, the class would be divided between boys and girls for a couple days. Then it wasn’t mentioned again until it was closer to time, the week before Our teach told us that the boys would have one class and the girls would have another, if I am not mistaken, during that time the other side of the class got gym or a free period. You couldn’t teach boys and girls together; it was out of the question. They were afraid it would cause issues discussing those private parts of our humanity. We each went over the same chapters, only difference was in relation to our sexuality. It was an awkward experience, the penis inserts into the vagina, semen impregnates the egg, then conception. There was no talking about feelings and experiences. What puberty really feels like and how it can affect you emotionally. And that was just for “normal” heterosexual sex. Any mention of LGBT was met with deviant behavior and considered not normal. It is no wonder we grow up with sexual and mental dysfunctions.
According to HRC.org“The GLSEN 2013 National School Climate Surveyfound that fewer than five percent of LGBT students had health classes that included positive representations of LGBT-related topics. Among Millennials surveyedin 2015, only 12 percent said their sex education classes covered same-sex relationships.” When I was in school, all those years ago, there were none. We should have the same right as our heterosexual counterparts, it is essential for understanding sexual-orientation and gender identity. We need the kind of information that would allow us to make informed and educated decisions about safe health practices and even to see positive representations of same sex and transgender families. After all, most LGBT youth grow up with the stigma that we are to be feared. Having families who are adamantly opposed to our lifestyles, who in turn do we have to turn to for help and understanding?
GLSEN shows there are five ways to be inclusive about sexual education for LGBT people, four of which are actually the worst ways and one positive. Sounds horrifying to think that there are far more ways to be hurtful to our LGBT youth than there is positive. But is it really? The first way is the ignoring approach, simply do not teach it. It is far easier to not talk about LGBT and healthy relationships than bringing it up. Many teachers feel that it isn’t something that would affect their students. The second way is the demonizing approach. Here you would mention LGBT people, but you would show them in the negative light that many people still feel is the only way to view us. They would prefer to tell you how bad they are and unwanted. Telling only of the solitary life they will have and how their families will kick them out. The third way is stigmatizing approach. This is the more passive aggressive approach, they don’t directly tell you they are bad, instead it is only talking about them when talking about them while teaching about risky behavior. How their sexual activities will lead to STIs and ultimately AIDS. The fourth bad way is the transgender-excluding approach. This approach will talk about lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and any non-heterosexual types, but refuse to discuss the validity of transgender people. Giving them no respect and negating their existence. However, it is a new trend that it is taught in a more positive approach. This is the LGBT inclusive approach; it is not left to a paragraph or even a chapter to discuss. Instead you see aspects of LGBT people discuss in all parts of the curriculum. Giving a positive view of life and love, encouraging the students to see them as normal parts of society. It challenges the modality of on gender binary focus, allows for growth of the individual by no relegating the topics of gender identity and sexual orientation to special topics.
The Trevor Project offers some great resources about sex education. They are as beneficial to anyone who comes out as they are to the LGBT youth. The first link I would like to point it is for Scarleteen.com, on this truly awesome page, there are many offerings that can be beneficial to LGBT youth. Some deal with dating and parents, some address the topics of being asexual and they focus on various ideals of sexual identity and orientation. Then one that sticks out to me the most is on their recent crush list called; Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation. If you have read any of my blog, before this, you will see all to quickly how I talk about body positivity and being comfortable with who you are. Masturbation is a topic that isn’t covered, in depth, in most sex ed classes. And if it is, it isn’t usually given a positive light. Add on to that how our parents reinforce to us that is will cause bad things to happen to us like blindness and insanity, we treat it as a dirty little secret. The truth it, it is something that should be discussed more openly. After all, it is the first act of sex we typically experience. Before you drop this article to click over to the Scarleteen, be warned that it is not a how-to manual, nor will you find pictures. It is a reaffirming article about how masturbation is natural and healthy. It offers insight into why fors and how comes. It dispenses with common myth and even offers why it is a necessary part of life. We should be open with our partners about our own sexual health and to know that we must know ourselves and this is one way you get to know who you are.
A couple other really awesome links is Sex Etc and the Trans youth Sexual Health Handbook Sex Etc is an info site that covers a vast array or topics, you can find things about birth control, STIs/AIDS info, body image info, abuse and violence info, and information on relationships. It is worth a dive through to read some of their pages. Many of their pages are divided up between stories for contributors, FAQs with general information, and other external resources for information. Again, this is a page that offers information that is as helpful for a LGBT youth or someone who is 35 and just coming to terms with their sexuality. The trans youth sexual health handbook is written by a group of 16-24 year old transgender youths who, as they say, “who have been there, done that and bought the t-shirt.” It came out of a need for information to help those who are just starting their journeys in understanding who they are. It is a means to create body positivity and acceptance in yourself. It covers relationship topics, sex, and even talks about hormone therapies. They are based out of Europe, so some of their links may not be of use for phone numbers, but the information and link they provide are definitely a wealth of information.
This kind of information is important, hell to everyone and not just LGBT people. Our sex education classes in America are lackluster in covering enough topics to safely help us assess our own mental well-being. These are part of the reason there is such stigma around things like sexual kink. Without understanding what drives us and our desires we fall back on the judging because it is different mindset. If more care was taken in some of our earlier education, we might just adjust better in our adulthood. I feel this is a really good addition to the last two weeks of discussing other kinds of sexual activity. It is a means of broadening our horizons to be more inclusive of one another and also teaching that we are not bad for taking part in things that others don’t talk about openly. Take some time to find out who you are, read a few of these links and question yourself and your desires. We need better education of our LGBT youth so that they may become better adjusted to a world that already has enough stigma and hatred.
Over the last couple weeks, I have talked about various styles of kink and how it relates to people. Degrees of it vary as much as does people themselves. It can range from being an integral part of your daily life or used to just heighten an experience. Some are more suited to solo play, whereas others are imperative that you have someone else along for the ride. Kink is about the person more than the act, to see how it relates to people I have asked questions of one couple that is in the kink lifestyle and two single people. They will discuss their limits and may even share what gets them going. This will be done in a judgement free zone and only related to you how it was given to me, with a few minor changes for ease of reading. All names have been changed for privacy reasons.
For the last interview, I would like to introduce you to Trace and Taylor. Trace is 47, Taylor is 28 and both are gay cis males from the eastern side of Cleveland. They have known each other for seven years and were married in December of 2018. Their styles of kink fall towards impact play and BDSM. Trust is paramount in their relationship, knowing when to submit and when to put a limit on the play is an integral part in their sessions. Trace and Taylor would both be considered a bear and cub, though for their own reasons do not hang out with many in the Bear Community.
When did you first know you were into your preferences?
Taylor – I think I knew from a pretty young age that I was into some “weird” stuff. I’ve never been afraid to try anything once, which has really helped to foster my own experiences.
What does kink mean to you?
Trace – Kink to me, means something other than ordinary vanilla or missionary type sex. Kink requires more thought or effort. Meaning, if my kink is bondage, there is more energy involved than just missionary sex. There is planning, gadgets and in many cases, manipulation.
Taylor – To me, kink is freedom. It’s being able to let your true desires be known without fear of judgement.
Do many people know about your kink side?
Taylor – Most people do. I’ve always been an open book and I’m not afraid to let my freak flag fly. I hope that by talking about kink, more people will grow comfortable with the idea themselves.
Have you ever been a switch or the opposite of your current role?
Trace – I have never switched, but I am versatile, sexually, with Taylor. I don’t consider him fucking me as being submissive. I love pleasing my husband and sometimes he just needs to be the ‘top’.
Taylor – I have before and I’m sure I will again! It gets old always being the one who gets whipped, sometimes you have to do the whipping!
What types of kink do you engage in?
Trace – Some of my kinks are bondage, piss play, age play, mutual masturbation or watching others masturbate, writing/reading age play erotica, objectification, 100% control over a true submissive… those are just some.
Taylor – A lot! I’ve dabbled in many, many things over the years, but BDSM has always been my favorite. Coming out young has offered an opportunity to experiment with things most might call bizarre.
What are some common misconceptions you have received or heard about kink lifestyle?
Trace – I’ve known several in the dom role, who never can just be ‘normal’. I believe there is a time and place and the ones I’m thinking of were comical. They would scoff at me for calling them by their name or not address them as Sir. It usually ended up with me calling them boy or pet, and they would walk away. Being a Dom is about trust and respect, which just isn’t given, it is earned. You see Taylor wear a chain with a lock, often. I bought it for him because we liked it. Others think it has a different meaning and has caused issues in the past at a few local gay bars.
Taylor – Most people seem to feel that those who embrace kink are “freaks” or “perverts”. The taboo that follows the lifestyle is extremely toxic and dissuades many from being able to embrace themselves.
Do you identify as a dom or a sub? If neither, what is your word choice?
Trace – I’m more of a Dom… not big on the word Master. Just because I’m more dominant doesn’t mean I’m always dominant.
Taylor – I predominantly identify as a sub, but I’ve also played the dominant role. It’s all about the chemistry and trust.
If you identify as dom/sub when did you discover your role?
Taylor – With me,it happened at avery young age. I grew up attracted to the stereotypical masculine man (hairy, bearded and muscled). And with that came wanting to be dominated and told what to do by a strong male figure.
If you are a sub, how did you discover your pain threshold?
Taylor –I’ve always been into pain, so finding the threshold is all part of the fun. And some nights, the pain is all part of the pleasure.
Do you have limits in the type of kink you would engage in? Why?
Trace – I’m not into blood, scat or vomit play.
Taylor – The list of things I wouldn’t try is very short and consists of things that are actual health concerns. No needles, no blood and no shit. I have a fun story about drinking piss from a martini glass, but this doesn’t feel like the right forum.
Do you engage in group sex or multiple partners? If so, do your kink preferences come up?
Taylor – I have in the past, but it has been a long time. Kink has never come up in group scenarios, but in the right setting I’d be more than willing to participate
inspired by Tom of Finland
Do you use safe words? If so,what and are there more than one?
Trace – I’ve played a Dom role with a few in my past without first discussing safe words. It didn’t end well and I was quite worried the police were going to come knocking. So, safe words are mandatory for us. Ours is pineapple!
Taylor – Pineapple seems to be the default setting for safe words. You need a good word that is never going to come up during play and I’ve never made a fruit salad mid-coitus.
Has anyone ever went over your limits? If so, how did you regain control?
Taylor – My limits have only been crossed a few times, and fortunately it has always been with men I trust. Regaining control is as easy as telling someone they went too far.
Do you think your you kink lifestyle will lose its appeal later in life?
Taylor – I think it will only grow and flourish to something even greater than it is now. Sex is a journey, you have to appreciate every step along the way.
The trust between these two is evident in their lives, the way they move in sync and interact with each other. In moments of separation, Taylor’s personality goes through a small shift, to use his words, “my rock isn’t with me.” Trace’s demeanor as Taylor is apart is more of protector, always wanting to ensure that he is safe. There are not many couples I have had the pleasure of meeting that seem to resonate the kind of strength and bond they exhibit. Both are open in discussing who they are and what they are into. But as Trace has said, trust is earned. So, while they may offer up parts of their lives, it is never the deeper meanings, the softer sides. Those are left for those closest to them, those who share the same respect and trust towards them. Trace always exerts the air of confidence and control, quick to neutralize negative situations and foster pleasant ones. Taylor is the lighter side, always quick to offer a joke to defuse tense situations and to make you feel more at ease.
Trace pointed out that while kink is a part of their relationship, it does not define it. Sexual roles can be swapped without changing the power dynamic and it often reinforces them. Taylor points out about the freedom he feels from expressing his kink side, it allows him to open himself up to his inner feelings. For him, it is the surrender to allow himself to feel outside of the normal box. This is the point of learning about yourself, while you may not be into kink, learning those inner corners of your psyche and sexual nature can be freeing. Again, it starts from the open-minded point of view and the ability to see beyond the limits that are often forced onto us. Finding someone that can offer you the trust to open up is hard but rewarding in the process of healing and growing. If nothing else, that is what we can take from this couple, trust is the foundation it is all built on.
