We all love serving some tea, it’s not just reserved for the English. It can be necessary to get to the root of an issue or to help show you what may be right under your nose. There are plenty of questions, asked daily, that need that little extra dose. Whether it be just a bit of advice about how to proceed or some intervention to troubles in our love lives, we need an outsider’s perspective. To see the very things that we often don’t want to admit to seeing.
Sit back, grab a lace doily, and enjoy a little bit of T.
A Bottom But Not Girly
“Dear Mama GayInTheCLE.
Why is it a common perception that if you are a bottom then you have to be feminine or girly? I was recently chatting up this guy and he asked what I liked to do. I told him I love cuddling, bodyplay, kissing, sucking, and, on occasion, I like to bottom.
He replied, ‘No issues bud, but I don’t like feminine guys, sorry.’
I was left like “WTF”, how can he decide I am feminine or girly? Please, help.
–A Bottom But Not Girly”
Dear Bottom But Not Girly,
First, there is a long standing belief that all bottoms are feminine. It’s a misogynistic idea that women get penetrated and that any man who takes it up the butt is, by proxy, feminine. There are also ties to the biblical passage about wasting semen that is needed for reproduction.
Second, let me express that you are not responsible for what others think. You simply cannot control that. People make quick decisions based upon a multitude of factors that come from their past experiences, how they were raised, and what culture says they should think. That person is responsible for how they view people and changing those perceptions.
You dont need this guy in your life. If he is that jaded about how things work, leave him to it. There are plenty of other guys who do not share his mentality. Leave the knuckle dragging, unibrow Neanderthals to find others that share their beliefs. Let him take a dick up his ass and see just how feminine it is.
There is a much larger debate that this could lend to, but that would be for another post.
Traditional Love For Young Gay Man
“Dear Mama GayInTheCLE,
Why is it so hard to find a traditional relationship? I am a young gay man and I do not want an open relationship. I don’t want one or two guys coming into our relationship and being boyfriends. I don’t need or want a three way, four way, or however way. I want someone who knows what they want and that it’s only one person. Someone I can cook for and show random acts of love to. I want to find someone to date for a couple years, have them propose, and then we live happily ever after in a house with a white picket fence. Why is this so hard?
–Why Is It SoHard”
Dear “Why is it so hard?”
This is a question that seems to come up a lot more with recent times. All relationships are difficult and queer ones equally so. We have been forced to believe that we all need “traditional relationships.” These traditional relationships are based on outdated mentalities by our heterosexual counterparts. Driven by the desire to find that one mate, marry them, raise a brood of children and live happily ever after, Leave It To Beaver style. The truth is that it is just a dream for us all.
Relationships are anything but traditional. Each person brings a unique set of experiences with them, call it baggage. Those experiences shape the ideas we have about life. The biggest problem is that we have a hard time sharing those ideas with other people. Are you wrong for wanting this perfect love? No, absolutely not. But also remember that the only ideal we have to live up to is our own. As queer people, we aren’t what many would label as traditional and shouldn’t be forced into a box that really doesn’t exist. That being said, just be honest with your partners about your wants and listen to theirs. If you dont match, its okay. There are others out there.
Ghosted in real life
“Dear Mama GayInTheCLE,
I have been dating this guy for a while. Recently, he moved without telling me where he was going. He doesn’t respond to my texts and I am starting to think we have broken up. But he hasn’t told me that, yet. I know he is still in the same city, but I just don’t know where he moved to. Now there’s this really cute guy who is flirting with me and I think I may like him. I don’t know what to do. What if my boyfriend comes back and is unhappy that I started dating someone? What if I dont act and I lose this guy? I’m so confused. What should I do? I feel like I have been Ghosted in Real Life.
–Ghosted In Real Life”
Dear Ghosted In Real Life,
It sounds like you have already answered your question. If you are having trouble, let me spell it out for you. Your boyfriend packed his stuff, left the place you shared together, and moved across town without telling you where he was going. Newsflash, he’s just not that into you. You in fact have been GHOSTED in real life. To be blunt, he dumped you.
Your boyfriend is spineless and couldn’t break up with you to his face. If he hasn’t contacted you too, then I think it’s okay to move on. Those are all his issues, not yours.
We all need a rebound piece, from time to time. Just remember that this may be all the new guy is. Don’t jump back into something too soon. Have some fun until you can get to a place of normality. Take some time to work on yourself and explore why your “boyfriend” left you. Is it that you seem to always pick the wrong guy or was he just a one off loser POS. Either way, loving yourself should be your first goal and anything else, second.
Traveler Wanting Love
“Dear Mama GayInTheCLE,
Sorry if this is long. I have been dating this guy for about three months now. He has been switching jobs, trying to find something that pays well and is in the line of work he has a degree in. He finally landed a job that he loves but has chosen to only work shifts that are the times when I am off my job. He even told me that he prefers to work nights and weekends, fully knowing that’s the only time I have off of my job.
I also just went on a vacation that I had planned since before we started dating. I was hoping when I returned that he would be excited to spending the night with me. When I asked, he declined and didnt say he wanted to hang out the next day, either. It seems like he only likes me when it is convenient for him. Am I reading too much into this? All I know is when I returned from my trip I could not wait to see him and he seemed indifferent. Even though he told me he missed me. What’s going on?
–Traveler Wanting Love”
Dear Traveler Wanting Love,
First congratulations for your boyfriend finding the job of his dreams that pays him what he is looking for. In this post pandemic world, there are so many looking for work that it can seem impossible to land the right job. Reality is about to set in, sometimes the jobs we want require us to work specific hours and days that may not be the best for all people involved. The world is populated with couples that work opposite shifts and make their daily lives work. It’s tough, sure.
You had the vacation planned before you started dating, you knew that he just accepted a job that he had to work nights and weekends, it shouldn’t be a surprise that he may not feel up to hanging out after you get back.
What I am seeing here is a lack of communication. You said you feel he only wants to hang out when it is convenient for him. Look at it from the opposite point of view. You are wanting him to hang out when it is convenient for you. You both need to sit down and look at your schedules and see where there is time that the two of you can make it work to be together. You are in a new relationship, having only been dating for three months (12 weeks), two of those weeks you were gone. Your relationship is still new. This is where you decide if this is the type of relationship you want. Try to work it out if you think he is worth it, if not then move on. All relationships will have struggles, but only you can decide if it is worth fighting for.
We all need a little T every now and then, whether we know it or not. To hear the truth that we often do not want to accept. You may not listen to your Best Judy but maybe you can take some advice from Mama GayintheCLE. If you feel stuck and no one seems to understand, Drop Mama GayintheCLE a line and see what T we can dish.